@
        Firestone's Law of Forecasting:
          Chicken Little only has to be right once.

@
        Manly's Maxim:
          Logic is a systematic method of coming to
          the wrong conclusion with confidence.

@
        Grizzard's truism:
          The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's
          resemblance to being one of a sled dog team. No one
          gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.

@
        Cannon's Comment:
          If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
          had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

@
        MURPHY'S LAW:
          If anything can go wrong, it will.

@
        Murphy's First Corollary:
          Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

@
        Murphy's Second Corollary:
          It is impossible to make anything foolproof
          because fools are so ingenious

@
        Murphy's Constant:
          Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

@
        Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:
          Everything goes wrong all at once.

@
        O'Toole's Commentary:
          Murphy was an optimist.

@
        Scott's Second Law:
          When an error has been detected and corrected,
          it will be found to have been correct in the first place.

@
        Finagle's First Law:
          If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

@
        Finagle's Second Law:
          No matter what the experiment's result, there
          will always be someone eager to:
          (a) misinterpret it.
          (b) fake it.
          or
          (c) believe it supports his own pet theory.

@
        Finagle's Third Law:
          In any collection of data, the figure most obviously
          correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

@
        Finagle's Fourth Law:
          Once a job is fouled up, anything done to
          improve it only makes it worse.

@
        Gumperson's Law:
          The probability of anything happening is in
          inverse ratio to its desirability.

@
        Rudin's Law:
          In crises that force people to choose among
          alternative courses of action, most people will
          choose the worst one possible.

@
        Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
          You can't win.
          You can't break even.
          You can't quit.

@
        Ehrman's Commentary
          Things will get worse before they will get better.
          Who said things would get better?

@
        Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:
          Nothing ever goes away.

@
        Howe's Law:
          Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

@
        Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:
          Once you open a can of worms, the only way to
          recan them is to use a bigger can.

@
        Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations:
          Negative expectations yield negative results.
          Positive expectations yield negative results.

@
        Klipstein's Law:
          Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward
          maximum difficulty of assembly.

@
        Interchangeable parts won't.

@
        You never find a lost article until you replace it.

@
        Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:
          The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional
          to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

@
        Lewis' Law:
          No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've
          bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

@
        If nobody uses it, there's a reason.

@
        You get the most of what you need the least.

@
        The Airplane Law:
          When the plane you are on is late, the plane you
          want to transfer to is on time.

@
        Etorre's Observation:
          The other line moves faster.

        O'Brien's Variation:
          If you change lines, the one you just left will
        start to move faster than the one you are now in.

        The Queue Principal:
          The longer you wait in line, the greater the
        likelihood that you are in the wrong line.

@
        First Law of Revision:
          Information necessitating a change of design will be
          conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the
          plans are complete.
          (Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)

        Corollary I:

           In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way
           versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose
           the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revision.
                                        H.B. Fyfe

@
        Second Law of Revision:
          The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the
          further its influence will extend and the more plans
          will have to be redrawn.
                                        H.B. Fyfe

@
        Third Law of Revision:
        If, when completion of a design is imminent, field
        dimensions are finally supplied as they actually
        are -- instead of as they were meant to be -- it is
        always simpler to start all over.

        Corollary I:
               It is usually impractical to worry beforehand
               about interferences -- if you have none, someone
               will make one for you.
                                        H.B. Fyfe

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        I.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight
            of its output.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities
             of the programmer who must maintain it.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
            detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

@
        LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
        X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

@
        Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
          There's always one more bug.

@
        Shaw's Principle:
          Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
          will want to use it.

@
        Law of the Perversity of Nature:
          You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
          the bread to butter.

@
        Law of Selective Gravity:
          An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

@
        Jennings' Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity:
          The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down
          is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.

@
        Wyszkowski's Second Law:
          Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

@
        Sattinger's Law
          It works better if you plug it in.

@
        Lowery's Law:
          If it jams - force it.
          If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

@
        Schmidt's Law:
          If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.

@
        Anthony's Law of Force
          Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.

@
        Cahn's Axiom:
          When all else fails, read the instructions.

@
        Gordon's First Law:
          If a project is not worth doing at all,
        it's not worth doing well.

@
        Law of Research:
          Enough research will tend to support your theory.

@
        Maier's Law:
          If the facts do not conform to the theory,
        they must be disposed of.

@
        Peer's Law:
          The solution to the problem changes the problem.

@
          Beware of the man who works hard to learn something,
        learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is
        full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant
        without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
            - Bokonon

@
          Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
        remember you when he is in trouble again.


@
          You can lead a man to slaughter,
        but you can't make him think.

@

          Don't get mad, get even.


@
        Carson's Law:
          It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

@
        The Golden Rule:
          He who has the gold, makes the rules.


@
        Mark's mark:
          Love is a matter of chemistry;
          sex is a matter of physics.

@
        Korman's conclusion:
          The trouble with resisting temptation is it may
        never come your way again.

@
        Lennon's Law:
          Life is what happens while you are making other plans.
					Thomas la Mance

@
        Maugham's Thought:
          Only a mediocre person is always at his best.


@
        Krueger's Observation:
          A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil
        service exam in order to work for the government.

@
        Benchley's Law of Distinction:
          There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe
        there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

@
        Harver's Law:
          A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.


@
        Schmidt's Observation:
          All things being equal, a fat person uses
        more soap than a thin person.

@
        Gibb's Law:
          Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

@
        Fools rush in where fools have been before.


@
        Rule of Accuracy:
          When working toward the solution of a problem, it always
        helps if you know the answer.

@
        Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.


@
        Wyszowski's Law:
          No experiment is reproducible.


@
        Fett's Law:
          Never replicate a successful experiment.


@
        Brooke's Law:
          Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
        discovers something which either abolishes the system or
        expands it beyond recognition.

@
        The first Myth of Management:
          It exists.


@
          Spend sufficient time confirming the need and
        the need will disappear.

@
        Peter's Placebo:
          An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

@
        Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:
          People are always available for work in the past tense.


@
        Wiker's Law:
          Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
					Tom Wicker
	

@
        Clarke's First Law:
          When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that
        something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he
        states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

@
        Clarke's Second Law:
          The limits of the possible can only be defined by
        going beyond them into the impossible.

@
        Clarke's Third Law:
          Any sufficiently advanced technology is
        indistinguishable from magic.

@

        The important thing is never to stop questioning.
                                            Albert Einstein


@
        Segal's Law:
          A man with a watch knows what time it is.
          A man with two watches is never sure.

@
        Weiler's Law:
         Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

@
        Weinberg's Second Law:
          If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
        the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

@
        Hartley's Second Law:
          Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.

@
        Beckhap's Law:
          Beauty times brains equals a constant.

@
        Katz's Law:
          Men and women will act rationally when all other
        possibilities have been exhausted.

@
        Cole's Axiom:
          The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
        the population is growing.

@
        Vique's Law:
          A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

@
        Jones' Motto:
          Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

        McClaughry's Codicil:
          To make an enemy, do someone a favour.

@
        Churchill's commentary on man:
          Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        time he will pick himself up and continue on.


@
        The ultimate Law:
          All general statements are false.

@
        The Unspeakable Law:
          As soon as you mention something;
          if it is good, it goes away.
          if it is bad, it happens.


@
        The Whispered Rule:
          People will believe anything if you whisper it.

@
        The First Law of Wing Walking:
          Never let hold of what you've got until
        you've got hold of something else.


@
          Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
        and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

@
        Farnsdick's corollary:
          After things have gone from bad to worse,
        the cycle will repeat itself.


@
        Lynch's Law:
          When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

@
        Law of Revelation:
          The hidden flaw never remains hidden.


@
        Langsam's Law:
          Everything depends.


@
        Hellrung's Law:
          If you wait, it will go away.

        Shevelson's Extension:
          ... having done its damage.

        Grelb's Addition:
          ... if it was bad, it will be back.

@
        Grossman's Misquote:
          Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.


@
        Ducharme's Precept:
          Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.


@
        First Postulate of Isomurphism:
          Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

@
        The Unapplicable Law:
          Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.


@
        Witten's Law:
          Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a
        need for them an hour later.


@
        Perkin's postulate:
          The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

@
        Harrison's Postulate:
          For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

@
        Conway's Law:
          In every organization there will always be one person
        who knows what is going on.

          This person must be fired.

@
        Stewart's Law of Retroaction:
          It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


@
        MacDonald's Second Law:
          Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
        a number and give it back to them.


@
        First Law of Laboratory Work:
          Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.


@
        Handy Guide to Modern Science:
	1.  If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
	2.  If it stinks, it's chemistry.
	3.  If it doesn't work, it's physics.
	4.  If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
	5.  If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics
	    or psychology.


@
        To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.


@
        The Sausage Principle:
          People who love sausage and respect the law
        should never watch either one being made.

@
        Horngren's Observation: (generalized)
          The real world is a special case.

@
        Merkin's Maxim:
          When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

@
        Hawkin's Theory of Progress:
          Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong
        with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is
        wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.


@
	Hanlon's Razor:
        Never attribute to malice that which is
        adequately explained by stupidity.


@
        Matz's warning:
          Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.


@
        Gold's Law:
          If the shoe fits, it's ugly.


@
        Lewis' Law:
          People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
					Sinclair Lewis

@
        Law of Reruns:
          If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
        it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.


@
        Shirley's Law:
          Most people deserve each other.

@
        Forgive and remember.


@
        Woltman's Law:
          Never program and drink beer at the same time.


@
        Gallois' Revelation:
          If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out
        but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a
        very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares
        to criticize it.

@
        Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:
          Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.


@
        Allen's Law:
          Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

@
        Allen's Distinction:
          The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
        but the calf won't get much sleep.

@
        You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
						Dorothy Parker


@
        Avery's Observation:
          It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
        pick up something from the floor while you get up.

@
        Berra's Law:
          You can observe a lot just by watching.


@
        Bicycle Law:
          All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
          A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.
          A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.
          A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.

@
        Cohen's Law:
          What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on
        the facts, not the facts themselves.

@
        Colson's Law:
          When you've got them by the balls, their hearts
        and minds will follow.

@
        Comins' Law:
          People will accept your idea much more readily if you
        tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

@
        Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
          If the probability of success is not almost one,
        then it is damned near zero.

@
        Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
        1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
        2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

@
        Goldwyn's Law of Contracts.
          A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

@
        Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
          No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while
        the legislature is in session.


@
        Jones' Principle:
          Needs are a function of what other people have.

@
        Langin's Law:
          If things were left to chance,
        they'd be better.

@
        In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters,
          it's how much you save.

@
        If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
        maybe you just don't understand the situation.

@
        Mencken's Metalaw:
          For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution;
        and it is always wrong.

@
        Sevareid's Law:
          The chief cause of problems is solutions.

@
        Thoreau's Law:
          If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention
        of doing you good, you should run for your life.

@
        Peer's Law:
          The solution to the problem changes the problem.

@
        Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.


@
        Lyall's Conjecture:
          If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

@
        Lyall's Fundamental Observation:
          The most important leg of a three legged stool
        is the one that's missing.

@
        Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules:
          Everything costs more and takes longer.

@
        Klipstein's Lament:
          All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided
        by payment of the invoice.

@
        Klipstein's Observation:
          Any product cut to length will be too short.

@
        Sueker's Note:
          If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.

@
        Rosenfield's Regret:
          The most delicate component will be dropped.

@
        de la Lastra's Law:
          After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed
        from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong
        access cover has been removed.

        de la Lastra's Corollary:
          After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
        it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted.

@
        Design flaws travel in groups.

@
          You can't fight the law of conservation of energy
        but you sure can bargain with it.

@
        Gerrold's Fundamental Truth:
          It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.
        We couldn't stand the commercials.


@
        Gerrold's Law:
          A little ignorance can go a long way.

        Lyall's Addendum:
          ... in the direction of maximum harm.

@
        Gerrold's Pronouncement:
          The difference between a politician and a snail is
        that a snail leaves its slime behind.

@
          When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great
        many friends. They never forgive the loss of their perogative.
                       H. L. Mencken

@
          An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better
        than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
                       H. L. Mencken


@
          Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country,
        it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
                       H. L. Mencken

@
          Democracy is the theory that the common people know what
        they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
                       H.L. Mencken

@
          A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
                       H. L. Mencken


@
        Arcana Ecclesiastica:
          Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to
        that obtained by Christ.
          Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere,
        may be happy.
                       H. L. Mencken

@
        Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
                       H. L. Mencken


@
	Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous.
	It should be left to the congenitally sinful who know
	when to play with it and when to leave it alone.
			H.L. Mencken

@
	In human history, a moral victory is always a disaster
	for it debauches and degrades both the victor and the
	vanquished.
			H.L. Mencken

@
	There is only one sound argument for democracy, and
	that is the argument that it is a crime for any man
	to hold himself out as better than other men, and,
	above all, a most heinous crime for him to prove it.
			H.L. Mencken

@
        The Arithmetic of Cooperation:
          When you're adding up committees
            there's a useful rule of thumb:
          that talents make a difference,
            and follies make a sum.
                       Piet Hein

@
        The Ultimate Wisdom
          Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection
        in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection.
                       Piet Hein


@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.


@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
			Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        3. Friendly fire ain't.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone
           is an officer with a map.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        5. The problem with taking the easy way out is
           that the enemy has already mined it.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        6. The buddy system is essential to your survival;
           it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        7. The further you are in advance of your own positions,
           the more likely your artillery will shoot short.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        8. Incoming fire has the right of way.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

@
        Murphy's Miltary Laws:
        12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used
            on abandoned positions.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire
            is incoming friendly fire.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take
            a shot at you, and miss.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire.
            Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it.
            Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

@
        Murphy's Military Laws:
        18. All battles are fought at the junction of
            two or more map sheets.

	18.1  ...printed at different scales;

        18.2  ...uphill;

        18.3  ...and in the rain.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	19. Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare.
					Heinz Guderian

@
	Murphy's Military Laws:
	20. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.


@
	Murphy's Military Laws:
	21. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed
	    in the next rank.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	22. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
						George Patton

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	23. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	24. Tracer works both ways.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	25. If the enemy is in range, so are you.


@
	Murphy's Military Laws:
	26. War is like love.  To triumph, you must make contact.
				Attributed to Napoleon

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	27. Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank.
				Karl von Clausewitz

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	28. Never reinforce failure.  Failure reinforces itself.


@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	29. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate.  The trick
	    of a good commander is to isolate the 5%.
						Douglas MacArthur

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	30. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	31. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff
	    officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	32. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer,
	    but it sure helps.


@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	33.  No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside
	     that of the enemy.
			      		Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	34:   Only numbers can annihilate.
					Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	35a.  Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.
	35b.  Always know how to get out of Dodge.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	36.  Your equipment was made by he lowest bidder.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	37.  Priorities are made by officers, not God.  There's a difference.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	38.  Always honour a threat.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	39.  The weight of all of your equipment is proportional
	     to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	40.  Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant.
						Charles Edward Montague

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	41.  Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	42.  There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	43.  A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.
						Ferdinand Foch
						(Principles de Guerre)
@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	44.  Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of
	     a commander.
						Jerry Pournelle

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	45.  All warfare is based on deception.
						Sun Tzu
						(The Art of War)
@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	46.  A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
						Otto von Bismark

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	47.  No combat ready squad ever passed inspection.
	     No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.


@
	Murphy's Military Laws:
	48.  Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	49.  The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	50.  Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	51.  If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you
	     will have more than your fair share to take.


@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	52.  Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is
	     full of amateurs.


@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	53.  Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as
	     messhall food is to cuisine.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	54.  When in doubt empty the magazine.

@

	Murphy's Military Laws:
	55.  Snow is not neutral.
				Frunze Military Academy Maxim

@

		 
        Technologie don't transfer.
                      Conrad Stenton

@

        Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit
        the national debt.
                                 Herbert Hoover

@
             There are four things that hold back human progress;
        ignorance, stupidity, committees, and accountants.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@
             There is something to be said for every error;
        but, whatever may be said for it, the most important
        thing to be said about it is that it is erroneous.
                                      G. K. Chesterton

@
             Be kind to everyone you talk with. You never know
        who's going to be on the jury.
                                      Tiger Goldstick

@
            The only time the world beats a path to your door
        is when you are in the bathroom.


@
            When all is said and done, more is said than done.


@
            Finance is the study of money and how it violates
        the rules of mathematics and common sense.

@
        Horwood's First Law:
            Good data is the data you already have.

@
        Horwood's Second Law:
            Bad data drives out good.

@
        Horwood's Third Law:
            The data you have for the present crisis was
        collected to relate to the previous one.

@
        Horwood's Fourth Law:
            The respectability of existing data grows with elapsed
        time and distance from the data source to the investigator.

@
        Horwood's Fifth Law:
            Data can be moved from one office to another but it
        cannot be created or destroyed.

@
        Horwood's Sixth Law:
            If you have the right data you have the wrong problem;
        and vice versa.


@
        Horwood's Seventh Law:
            The important thing is not what you do,
        but how you measure it.

@
        Horwood's Eighth Law:
            In complex systems, there is no relationship between
        information gathered and decisions made.

@
        Horwood's Ninth  Law:
            Acquisition of knowledge from experience is an exception.


@
        Horwood's Tenth Law:
            Knowledge grows at half the rate at which
        academic courses proliferate.

@
        Cheops Law:
            No project was ever completed on time
        and within budget.

@
        No man knows what true happiness is until he gets married.
        By then, of course, its too late.


@

        The best scale for an experiment is 12 inches to the foot.
                                 John Fisher First Sea Lord

@
        What's source for the goose is object for the gander.
                                      Stan Kelly-Bootle

@
        Kelly-Bootle's Law of Programming:
        The sooner you start coding, the longer it is going to take.


@
        Gershwin's Law:
        It ain't necessarily so.

@
        Kelly-Bootle's pith poor law:
        Terseness is not enough.

@
        Science is to computer science as hydraulics is to plumbing.
                                         Stan Kelly-Bootle

@
        The Seven Catastrophes of Computing:
          The user, the manufacturer, the model, the salesperson,
        the operating system, the language, and the application.
                                         Stan Kelly-Bootle

@
           Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it
        is done, they've seen it done every day, but they're
        unable to do it themselves.
                                            Brendan Behan

@
        Alinsky's Rule for Radicals
           Those who are the most moral are furthest from the problem.

@
        Where there's a will, there's a won't.


@
        Olivier's Law
           Experience is something you don't get until
        just after you need it.

@
        Weiner's Law of Libraries:
           There are no answers, only cross-references.

@
        Searle's Third Law:
          You win a few, you loose a lot.


@
        Sodd's Second Law:
          Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances
        is bound to occur.

@
        Berra's Second Law:
          Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.

@
        Heise's Law of Anatomy:
          When the mouth opens, the ears slam shut.

@
        Foster's Law:
          The only people who find what they are looking for
        in life are the fault finders.


@
          There are two kinds of people in any organization:
        those who fix the problems, and those who fix the blame.
        The latter are called managers.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@
        Weatherwax's Postulate:
          The degree with which you overreact to information
        will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.

@
        Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:
          If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel of sewage,
        you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a
        barrel of wine, you get sewage.


@
        Munder's Theorem:
          For every '10', there are ten '1's.

@
        Levy's Eighth Law:
        No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.

	Strong's Reply:
	Genius cannot be fruitful without due consideration and attention
	to detail.

@
        Zappa's Law:
          There are two things which are truly universal:
        hydrogen and stupidity.

@
        Fagin's observation:
          Hindsight is an exact science.

@
        First rule of History:
          History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely
        repeat one another.

@
        Ehler's First Law:
          When you find out how far you can go,
        you've gone too far.

@
        Good's Rule of Bureaucracies:
          When the government's remedies do not solve the problem,
        you modify the problem, not the remedy.

@
        Sigstad's Law:
          When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.

@
        Roger's Law:
          As soon as the stewardess  serves coffee, the aircraft
        encounters turbulence.

        Davis' Explanation:
          Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.


@
        Bachman's Law:
          The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation,
        the less chance of abandoning it.

        Bachman's Corollary:
          The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
        behind a plan, the less chance of abandoning it.

@
        Cohn's First Law:
          In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend
        more and more time reporting on the less and less you
        are doing.

        Cohn's Second Law:
          In any bureaucracy, stability is achieved when you spend
        all of your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

@
        Kushner's Law:
          The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely
        proportional to the number of other people who are in
        a position to do it instead.

@
        Law of Probable Distribution:
          Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

@
        Gourd's Axiom:
          A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
        and the hours are lost.

@
        Wethern's Law:
          Assumption is the mother of all screwups.

@
        Steinbach's Advice to Systems Programmers:
          Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.

@
        Rule of Defactualization:
          Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

@
        Maier's Second Law:
          The bigger the theory, the better.

@
        Only adults have difficulty with child proof bottles.

@
        Barach's Rule:
          An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his physician.

@
        Matz's Medication Rule:
          A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat,
        will produce a scientific report.

@
        G.B. Shaw's Law:
        Those who can, do.
        Those who can't, teach.

        Martin's Extension:
        Those who can't teach, administrate.

        Lyall's Insight:
        The above completely explains sex education.

@
        Conner's Second Law:
        If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier.

@
        Hane's Law:
        There is no limit to how bad things can get.

@
        Edward's Law:
          If it weren't for the last minute,
        nothing would get done.

@
        Boren's Laws:
        When in doubt, mumble.
        When in trouble, delegate.
        When in charge, ponder.

@
        Forsyth's Law:
          Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel,
        the roof caves in on you.

@

        Variables won't; constants aren't.

@

        The one language spoken by all programmers is profanity.

@

        The only two things a pirate will run for is money
        and public office.
                                  Yosimite Sam
@

        If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science,
        it is opinion.
                                  Robert A. Heinlein

@

        Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
                                  Robert A. Heinlein

@

        Ninety percent of everything is crud.
                                  Theodore Sturgeon

@

        One good turn gets most of the blanket.

@

        A virtual data base is a segment of your imagination.

@

        On a clear disk, you can seek forever.

@

        Octal is just like base 10, really,
        if you're missing two fingers.
                                  Tom Lehrer

@

        Disks travel in packs.

@

        I believe in computer dating, but only if the
        computers are truly in love.
                                  Groucho Marx

@

        Reciprocity works both ways.

@

        The Universe is not user friendly.
                                  Kelvin Throop

@

        Science policy is to science as bird shot is to birds.
                                  Petr Beckman

@

        Remember, a rut is simply a coffin with the ends knocked out.
                                  Earl Nightengale

@

        Computer programs are ninety percent debugged,
        fifty per cent of the time.

@

        To err is human, but to REALLY foul things up, it takes
        a computer driven by a programmer who only thinks he
        knows what he is doing.
                                  Walter Aiello

@

        Tusseman's Law:
        Nothing is an inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

@

        One can never underestimate the intelligence of
        the electorate.
				Walter Aiello


@

        Any given container designed to hold water, will leak,
        and any given orifice designed to drain water, will plug up.
                                  Walter Aiello


@

        You don't learn less and less, you learn more and more.
        Hence you should not call them lessons but rather morons.
                                  Lewis Carroll

@

        If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
                                  Kelvin Throop

@

        Alcoholism is what happens when good liquor falls
        into the hands of amateurs.
                                  Spider Robinson

@

        If God had really intended man to fly, he would have
        made it easier to get to the airports.

@

        It may be that the race is not always to the swift,
        nor the battle to the strong -- but thats the way to bet it.
                                  Damon Runyon

@

	All of life is seven to five against.
				Damon Runyon

@

        Don't be afraid to take a big step.  You can't cross
        a chasm in two small jumps.
                                  David Lloyd George

@

        No one ever raised a statue to a critic.
					Jean Sibelius

@

        Originality is the art of concealing your source.
                                  Franklin P. Jones

@

        Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings.
                                  C.D. Jackson

@

        Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
                                  Allen Supynuk

@

        If all the economists in the world were laid end to end,
        they wouldn't reach a conclusion.
                                  Lewis Carroll

@

        Those who live by the crystal ball must be prepared
        to eat crushed glass.
                                  Larry Long

@

        There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
                                  Goethe

@

        If the only tool you have is a hammer,
        you tend to see every problem as a nail.
                                  Abraham Maslow

@

        A closed mouth gathers no foot.

@

        First Rule of Intelligent Tinkering:
               Save all the parts.

@

        Hofstadter's Law:
               The time and effort required to complete a
        project are always more than you expect, even when you
        take into account Hofstadter's Law.

@

        Incompetence knows no barriers of time and place.

@

        Make it possible to write programs in English and
        you will find that most programmers cannot write in English.

@

        Block's Bombshell:
               A conclusion is the place where you got
        tired of thinking.
					Arthur Block

@

        Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:
               Things get worse under pressure.

@

        Ogden's Law:
               The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have
        to catch up.

@

        Shick's Law:
               There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.


@

        Spencer's Laws of Data:
        Anyone can make a good decision given enough facts.
        A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
        A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

@

        Statistics are like bikinis: what they reveal is suggestive,
        what they conceal is vital.

@

        The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
        because the average man can see better than he can think.

@

        Organizations are like wine; the bottleneck is
        always at the top.

@

        The plural of spouse is spice.
                                  Edgar Pangborn

@
        In theory, the difference between theory and practice is small.
        In practice, the difference between theory and practice
        is large.

@

        Two wrongs do not make a right; it usually takes three or four.

@

        Mayhis Rule:
        It is bad luck to be superstitious.
				Andrew Mathis

@

        Bureaucaracy defends the status quo long past the time when
        the quo has lost its status.
                                  Laurence J. Peter

@

        One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they
        are hanged.
                                  Heinrich Heine

@

        It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions in favour of
        vegetarianism while wolves remain of a different opinion.
                                  William Ralph Inge

@

        Rascality has limits; stupidity has none.
                                  Napoleon

@

        Politics is occupational therapy for the morally handicapped.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Fundamental Tenet of Reform:
        Reforms come from below.  No man who has four aces
        ever calls for a new deal.
					John F. Parker


@

        Beauregard's Law:
        When you are up to your eyeballs in it,
        keep your mouth shut.

@

        Murchison's Law of Money:
        Money is like manure.  If you spread it around, it does
        a lot of good.  If you pile it up in one place, it stinks.

@

        When all else fails, blame it on the oil industry.

@

        Laotion Proverb:
        When drowning, it is all right to be a fatalist,
        but one should still move one's feet.

@

        He who hesitates is smart.

@

        It is only when you need to knock on wood that you realize
        that the world is entirely made up of aluminum and plastic.

@

        A person who says that something can't be done shouldn't
        interrupt the person doing it.

@

        The difference between an amateur and a professional in
        the computer business is the number of backups they make.

@

        The secret to dealing successfully with people is sincerity.
        Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.
						George Burns

@

        The person who offers unsolicited advice usually
        discovers its value.

@

        Modern journalists are much like modern novelists; they
        both write fiction. The difference is that the novelists
        are honest about it.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        It is easy to tell when a politician is lying. Watch his lips.
        If they move, he's lying.
				Gracie Allen

@

        Hell is the place where everything test perfectly
        and nothing works.
                                  John W. Campbell Jr.

@

        Fleas can be taught nearly everything that a
        congressman can.
                                  Mark Twain

@

        In the first place God made idiots; this was for
        practice; then he made school boards.
                                  Mark Twain


@

        Of course, America had been discovered before Columbus,
        but it had always been hushed up.
                                  Oscar Wilde

@

        American women expect to find in their husbands the
        perfection that the English women only hope to find
        in their butlers.
                                  W. Somerset Maugham

@

        Canadians could have enjoyed:
          English Government,
            French Culture,
              and American know-how.

        Instead they ended up with:
          English know-how,
            French Government,
              and American culture.
                                  John Robert Colombo

@

        Heaven for climate; hell for society.
                                  Mark Twain

@

        Put not your trust in princes.
                                  Psalms 146:3

@

        Democracy is a form of religion. It is the worship
        of jackals by jackasses.
                                  H.L. Mencken

@
        You just can't tell about women; and if you can,
        you shouldn't.
                                  Charles M.M. Lyall

@
        Maxey's Maxim:
          No matter what happens, there is always someone
        who knew it would.

@

        Sprinkle's Law:
          Things fall at right angles.

@

        The finer a highway is, the more people crowd
        it to unusability.
                                  John W. Campbell Jr.

@

        Always leave a way out.
                                  John W. Campbell Jr.

@

        Myer's First Law:
        Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.

@

        Myer's Second Law:
        Experiments must be reproducible -- they should
        fail the same way.

@

        Myer's Third Law:
        Always verify your witchcraft.

@

        Myer's Fourth Law:
        First draw your curves -- then plot your readings.

@
        Myer's Fifth Law:
        Be sure to obtain meteorological information before
        leaving on vacation.

@
        Myer's Sixth Law:
        A record of data is useful -- it indicates that
        you have been working.

@

        Myer's Seventh Law:
        Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.

@

        Myer's Eighth Law:
        To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly
        before you start.

@

        Myer's Ninth Law:
        In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

@

	In an experiment, nothing can go wrong; we can always rely
	on the physical universe to run as designed.
					Wayne Batteau

@

	Alma Hill's Corollary's to Murphy's Law:
		- If we loose much by having things go wrong, take
		  all possible care.
		- If we have nothing to loose by change, relax.
		- If we have everything to gain by change, relax.
		- If it doesn't matter - it does not matter.

@

	If you can't detect it, why worry?
					John W. Campbell


@

	Rothstein's Observation:
	The one part that the fabrication plant forgot to ship
	you supports seventy five per cent of the balance of the
	shipment.

	Rothstein's Corollory:
	Not only did they forget to ship it; fifty per cent of the
	time they haven't even made it..

@

	Rothstein's Note:
	Truck deliveries that normally take one day will
	take five when you're waiting for the truck.

@

	Rothstein's Advice:
	The eye of the Chief Inspecting Engineer is more accurate
	than the finest instrument.


@

        Nobody likes being proven wrong.

        A scientist is a man who develops powerful proofs.

        Therefore, nobody likes scientists.

                                  John W. Campbell Jr.
@

        Law of the Too, Too Solid Point:
        In any collection of data, the figure that is most
        obviously correct -- beyond any need of checking --
        is the mistake.

        Corollary I:
        No one whom you ask for help will see it either.

        Corollary II:
        Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will
        see it immediately.
                                        H.B. Fyfe
@

        If the liberal arts do nothing else, they provide
        engaging metaphors for the thinking they displace.
                                  Roger Zelazny

@

        The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that
        you never know when you are finished.

@

        Remember, the absent are always wrong.

@

        Coffee makes a worker wise and able to see through
        half closed eyes.

@

        Indecision is the key to flexibility.

@

        Nothing motivates an employee more than to see
        the boss do an honest day's work.

@
        Law of Forgetfulness:
        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
        to ... proportional to ... to ... .

@

        Nine tenths of a woman's intuition is suspicion.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Blessed are the pretty girls, for they shall inherit
        the men.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A woman's idea of heaven is a place where she won't
        have to wash the dishes.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        It's awfully hard for a woman to pretend not to know
        the things she ought to know.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        We actually need women in provincial politics. Women
        could never possibly participate in any graft system,
        owing to their inability to keep a secret. As publicity
        is the remedy for most political ills, women in politics
        should function admirably.
                                  Bob Edwards (1911)

@

        Women will never make good on juries until they get
        to be as ignorant as men.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Politics has not ceased to make strange bedfellows, or,
        at least the politicians of both parties continue to
        share the same bunk. You know the kind of bunk we mean.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Politicians resemble shoes in one respect -- the higher grade
        is not machine made.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        It seems as if the world is divided into two sets of people --
        one set engaged in making money by productive labour and
        the other set are simultaneously engaged in taking it away
        from them.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A man can claim to have "arrived" when his private
        affairs begin to interest the public.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A girl seldom falls in love with a man unless there is
        some reason why she shouldn't.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Every man has his favourite bird. Ours is the bat.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The report that whiskey drinking is declining in Calgary
        will cause no surprise. Most of the politicians are out of
        town telling the festive farmer which way to vote.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Soaking the brain in alcohol does not improve the mind.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The water wagon is certainly a more dangerous vehicle
        than the automobile. At least more people fall off it.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Call a girl a chick and she smiles; call a woman a hen
        and she howls. Call a young woman a witch and she is
        pleased; call an old woman a witch and she is indignant.
        Call a girl a kitten and she rather likes it; call a
        woman a cat and she hates you. Women are queer.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A man who hesitates is lost. So is a woman who doesn't.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A girl's kisses are like pickles in a bottle -- the first
        are hard to get, but the rest come easy.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Too much distance between husband and wife may result in
        other enchantments. (This is a deep one.)
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The only thing that beats a good wife is a bad husband.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        It is easy for a man to manage his wife. All he has to do
        is follow her instructions.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        When we hear a woman say that all men are alike we wonder
        how she found out.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        All the world's a stage, and the majority of us sit in
        the gallery and throw things at the performers.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is
        why most people laugh at their own jokes.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The things that come to a man who waits are seldom the
        things he has been waiting for.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A man begins to get his life into proper perspective when
        he quits expecting to find pearls in his oysters and is
        extremely gratified when he gets oysters.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        It is a waste of life to be sensible all the time.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        No man does as much today as he is going to do tomorrow.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Most of the entries in the human race are also rans.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Remorse is memory that has begun to ferment.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A man never looses money on fast horses. It is the
        slow ones that cause all the damned trouble.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Don't you think "absolutely" a much overworked word,
        Absolutely.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        If money talks, all it ever said to me was goodbye.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for
        everything he had not encountered the problem of
        parking an automobile.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The first thing a man with a new automobile runs into
        is debt.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The trouble with being efficient is that it makes
        everybody hate you so.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The income tax returns would indicate that there is
        untold wealth in Canada.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Taking things philosophically is easy if they don't concern you.
                                  Bob Edwards

@
        Never exaggerate your faults; your friends will attend to that.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Forgive your enemies -- but if you have no enemies,
        forgive a few of your friends.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A tongue, like a race horse, generally runs faster
        the less weight it carries.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Most of life's shadows result from standing in your own light.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The man who has never tried has no sympathy for the
        man who has tried and failed.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Some people might as well be crazy for all the sense they have.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Meanwhile the meek are a long time inheriting the earth.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        A little learning is a dangerous thing, but a lot of
        ignorance is just as bad.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Isn't it queer that only sensible people agree with you?
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        The way of the transgressor is ever popular.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        If its all the same to history, it need not
        repeat itself anymore.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Well, at all events, the Canadian Navy will be able to lick
        the Swiss Navy. This is one comfort for which we should be
        thankful.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Not all women are as bad as they paint themselves.
                                  Bob Edwards

@
        If men could read woman's thoughts, they would take
        more risks than they do.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        It is as easy to recall an unkind word as to draw back
        a bullet after firing a gun.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        Never judge a man by the opinion his wife has of him.
        Be fair.
                                  Bob Edwards

@

        McCrum's Maxim:
        ASCII no questions and I'll TELETYPE you no lies.

@

        Trial marriages are very dangerous.  If you're not
        careful, they could lead to the real thing.
                                  Warren Beatty

@

        The greater the number of laws and enactments, the
        more thieves and robbers there will be.
                                  Lao-Tzu (604-531 B.C.)

@

        No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow
        man without at last finding the other end fastened
        about his own neck.
                                  Frederick Douglas, 1883

@

        Ignorance and stupidity are not the same thing. At the
        battle at Little Big Horn, Crazy Horse was an ignorant
        savage and George Custer was an educated military tactician
        and strategist. Custer was also stupid; Crazy Horse wasn't.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Feminist theologians tell us that God is female.  But,
        what about the devil?  What about her?
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Never try to explain integrity to a lawyer.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        There may be a market for artificial intelligence but
        there is a larger market for artificial stupidity.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        In a severe crisis, make sure you have a good stock of
        the precious metals; gold, silver, and lead.  The first
        two make lousy bullets.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        There are only three predators that strike fear into the
        average man; the man eating shark, a pack of wolves, and
        the tax department.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        The early worm gets eaten.

@

        Never tell an accountant that he is a credit to his profession.
        A good accountant is a debit to his profession.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Consultants know more ways of doing things than their clients
        and they can do it better than their clients; most of the time,
        they end up doing it the client's way and trying to make the
        client like it. Consultants are the business equivalent of the
	high priced whore.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        The problem with the war between the sexes is that
        neither side has much compassion for the casualties.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Any computer system can be rendered ineffective by its users.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        No one can design a completely idiot proof system; idiots
        are too smart.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        A poorly managed manual system cannot be improved by
        automation.  The problem is not the system, it's the manager.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        All systems have three aspects: there is the official system
        which is written down; there is the system which the managers
        administer, and there is the system actually implemented by
        the employees. It is very similar to the Christian theology
        of the holy trinity.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        The best way to improve the educational system would be
        to turn it over to private enterprise.  Not that the companies
        could necessarily do it any better, but the education department
        would suddenly find the deficiencies intolerable.

                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        A person in the 100% tax bracket is called a slave.

                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Statistics are methods of quantifying ignorance.  When an
        intellectual tells you that it is only a probability that
        the sun will rise tomorrow morning, he is indicating his
        ignorance of Newton's Laws.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        A cynic is a person who refuses to share your illusions.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Media is the plural of mediocre.
                                  Rocky Bridges

@

        They don't make things like they used to, and what's more
        they never did.
                                  Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Don't lie.  It is a crime to impersonate a politician.

@

        Don't steal.  It is a crime to compete with government

@

	The Lord giveth and the government taketh away.


@

        Some people think that the tax department are thieves.  This
        is nonsense.  The tax department does not steal; it simply
        threatens you with dire consequences if you do not give them
        the money they want.  This is not theft.

        It is extortion.
                                        Charles J.C. Lyall

@
        The beaver has a completely unjustified reputation for hard
        work.  What it energetically does is destroy trees so it can
	build a damn and flood what it hasn't destroyed.  It is an
	oversized rodent with a vicious temper and is the
        perfect symbol for the Canadian government.

                                        Charles J.C. Lyall

@
        There are several occupations that should be de-criminalized
        because they provide a useful social function.  Among them are
        prostitution and political assassination.

                                        Charles J.C. Lyall

@
        When a person says that technology is "out of control", he
        usually means that it is out of his control.

        This is usually a good thing.

                                        Charles J.C. Lyall


@
        The greatest deficiency in educational systems is that they
        almost never offer courses in thinking.

@
        It has been determined that mankind and chimpanzees have 99 per
        cent of their genetic material in common.  This annoys both the
        creationists and the chimps.
                                        Charles J.C. Lyall

@
        The more obvious the defect in a plan, the more likely it will
        be approved.

@
        The AIDS epidemic may well bring the end of our species.
        Homo Sapiens will be supplanted by Hetro Sapiens.

@
        Schedules are never drawn up by the people who will
        have to keep them.

@
        The more sensible and simple your plan, the more likely
        your supervisor will change it.

@
        It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle
        than it is for a plan to pass unchanged through a committee.

	Miesch's Note:
	A camel is a racehorse designed by a committee.

@
        Lyall's Regret
               Waist not, diet not.

@
        In the ultimate utopia, only three things would be illegal:
               - the initiation of force;
               - the act of fraud and;
               - Monday mornings.

                                        Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        You've gotta know when to code 'em, know when to modem,
        Know when to load 'em up, know when to run.
        You never count your money when you're sittin' at the keyboard;
        There'll be time enough for countin' when the program's done.

                                        -Anonymous
                                        (With apologies to Kenny Rogers)
@

	You can slide further on bullshit than you can on sand.
					Don McKee

@

	Marriage is made in heaven; so is thunder and lightning.


@

	Hindsight is diffraction limited.
					R.E. Fisher

@

	Many students treat knowledge as a liquid to be swallowed
	rather than as a solid to be chewed, and then they wonder why 
	it provides so little nourishment.

@

	Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and vigour.

@

	First Law of Business Meetings:
		The probability that the lead pencil will break is
	directly proportional to the importance of the notes being taken.

@

	The Grocery Bag Law:
		The candy bar you had planned to eat on the way home
	from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

@

	Brasington's First Law:
	You will never use the backup copy you just made.

@

	Brasington's Second Law:
	The only backup copy you will ever need is either:
		- the one you didn't have time to make, or;
		- the one you did make but cannot read.

@

	Brasington's Third Law:
	There is no danger in x-raying a scratch disk or tape.
	However, a boy scout's magnet can destroy the only copy 
	of a file at 50 yards.

@

	Brasington's Fourth Law:
	The probability that a given program will conform to 
	expectations is inversely proportional to the programmer's
	confidence in his ability to do the job.

@

	Brasington's Fifth Law:
	When a programmer tells you "no problem", you have a 
	serious problem.

@

	Brasington's Wisdom:
	When a programmer commits to a completion date, make
	sure it includes day, month, and year.

@

	Brasington's Irrefutable Observation:
	State of the art software is not.
	User friendly software also is not.
	State of the art user friendly software, is an edp insider's joke.

@

	Brasington's Sixth Law:
	No system is ever completely debugged.  Attempts to debug it
	invariably introduce new bugs which are even harder to find.

@

	Brasington's Seventh Law:
	Projects progress quickly until they become 90% complete,
	then they remain 90% complete forever.

@

	Brasington's Insight:
	One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let
	you avoid the embarrassement of estimating the costs.

@

	Brasington's Eighth Law:
	If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of
	change will exceed the rate of progress.

@

	Brasington's Ninth Law:
	A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to
	complete than expected; a carefully planned one will take
	only twice as long.

@

	Brasington's Note:
	Project teams detest project reporting because it vividly
	manifests their lack of progress.

@

	Liebling's Truth:
	Freedom of the press belongs to those who own one.
					A.J. Liebling

@

	Austen's Aphorism:
	Single women have a dreadful propensity for being poor,
	which is one very strong argument in favour of matrimony.

@

        People fail to respect the law when the laws fail to deserve
        respect.
                                          Charles J.C. Lyall

@


        Traditions are solutions for which we have forgotten
        the problems.

@

	Information is power.  To give out correct information
        at the correct time is to control the present; to withhold
        information at the correct time is to control the future.
                                          Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Our analytical tools are primitive; almost all of our
        problems are solvable but few yield to analysis.  Consider
        the future; we cannot predict it, but assuredly we are
        creating it.  Most of our problems are subsets of this
        solvable problem.
                                           Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Mankind makes tools; we use them to augment our hands,
        arms and legs.  The computer augments the brain and
        this makes it very unpopular with totalitarians.
                                           Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        Life's a batch, and then you submit.
                                           Steve Rosborough.

@

        Every life form on Earth either has become extinct or
        will become extinct.  That is why the human race will
        build star ships.
                                           Charles J.C. Lyall

@

        The only people that successfully resist change in
        society are the dead.
                                           Charles J.C. Lyall

@
        A hug is the perfect gift -- one size fits all, and nobody
        minds if you exchange it.
                                            Ivern Ball

@

        Absolutely nothing in the world is as friendly as a wet dog.
                                            Dan Bennet

@

	The medieval alchemist said there were four states of matter:
	Earth, Water, Air, and Fire.  On the other hand, we know that
	there really are four states of matter: Solid, Liquid, Gas and
	Plasma.  Thank God for progress.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

	Once you get to orbit, you're halfway to anywhere.
                                            Robert A. Heinlein

@

	An economist is a man who tells you what to do with the money
	you would not have if you had followed his proposal in the
	first place.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

	Policy:  A common substitute for good judgement.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make President.
                                           Kelvin Throop

@

        If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  If that
        doesn't work, look for a better solution.
                                           Kelvin Throop

@

        And the Lord said unto Job, "There's no reason for it.
        It's just policy."
                                            Kelvin Throop


@

        If the mind were exercised as much as the mouth, we
        would be a race of geniuses.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        A self addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope".
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        In matters of belief, he who is absolutely sure he
        is right is almost certainly dead wrong.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        God doesn't want to make it too easy for his children --
        many of them are spoiled enough as it is.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        To get the attention of a large animal, be it an
        elephant or a bureaucracy, it helps to know what
        part of it feels pain.  Be very sure, though, that
        you want its full attention.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        There is no such thing as a functional illiterate.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        The number of people who agree or disagree with you has
        absolutely no bearing on whether you're right.  The universe
        has a way of deciding that for itself.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        Just because we're not currently using a technology doesn't
        mean that it doesn't work anymore.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

        Jargon (or "technical terminology") is a marvelous way to
        convey a lot of information to the knowledgeable.  It's
        also a superb way to intimidate the uninitiated.  Why do
        you suppose it was developed?
		                            Kelvin Throop

@

        Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at
        science fiction listen to weather reports and economists.
                                            Kelvin Throop

@

	Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
					Lily Tomlin

@

	Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time
	or the money to do it right.
					Kurt Herbert Adler

@

	Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer,
	sex raises some pretty good questions.
					Woody Allen

@

	Is sex dirty?  Only if it's done right.
					Woody Allen

@

	Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major
	catagories -- those that don't work, those that break down, and
	those that get lost.
					Russel Baker

@

	Heblock's Horror:
	If it's good, they'll stop making it.


@

	Creativity is inverse to experience.

	Decision levels are inverse to comprehension.

	Size of error is inverse to elapsed time.

					Derek Hutchins

@

	Cayo's Law:
	The only things that start on time are those that you're
	late for.

@

	Arndt's Truism:
	If you have never made a mistake,
	   you have never made anything.

	Lyall's curmudgeonly addendum:

			... or anyone.

@

	More programming sins are committed in the name of efficiency
	(without necessarily achieving it) than for any other single
	reason including stupidity.
						William A. Wulf

@

	Porter's Strategem for future dilemmas:
	  We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

@

	Walton's Observation:
	Given two choices, you'll make the wrong one -- twice.

@

	Takeovers are always announced one day after you sell the
	stock of the target company.
					Gluskin-Fagan Report

@

	Time-tested investment strategies stop working as soon
	as you put your money into them.
					Gluskin-Fagan Report

@

	The next bull market will begin on the day you swear
	never to touch another stock as long as you live.
					Gluskin-Fagan Report

@

	The only hot stock market tips that work are those you have ignored.
					Gluskin-Fagan Report

@

	The trouble with planners is that they often undertake vast
	projects using half vast ideas.

@

	Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but
	incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an
	organization.
					Jon Bentley

@

	Testing can show the presence of bugs but not their absence.
					Edsger W. Dijkstra

@

	If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
 					Bert Lance

	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
					Walt Weir

	If it might break, don't go near it.
					Herbert Stein

@

	The fastest I/O is no I/O.
					Nils-Peter Nelson

@

	The cheapest, fastest and most reliable components of a
	computer system are those that aren't there.
					Gorden Bell

@

	Eschew Clever Rules.
					Joe Condon

@

	Make it work first before you make it work fast.
					Bruce Whiteside

@

	Bulls do not win bullfights: people do.  People do not win
	people fights: lawyers do.
					Norman R. Augustine

@
	Augustine's Fundamental Law of Aeronautics:
	Never fly on an airplane with a tail number less than 10.

@

	Software is like entropy.  It is difficult to grasp, weighs 
	nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics: i.e.,
	it always increases.
					Norman R. Augustine

@

	It is better to be a reorganizer than a reorganizee.
					Norman R. Augustine

@

	The optimum committee has no members.
					Norman R. Augustine

@

	The early bird gets the worm.  The early worm--gets eaten.
					Norman R. Augustine

@

	Two thirds of the earth's surface is covered with water.
	The other two thirds is covered with auditors from
	headquarters.
					Norman R. Augustine

@

	If the error rate is high enough to be measured, it's too high.
					Bill Godbout

@

	The most effective way to increase the reliability of software that
	we currently know about is simply to make it understandable 
	and predictable.
					Nancy Leveson

@

	Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when 
	performed in the same laboratory.
					Daniel Bershader

@

	The world is divided into three kinds of people -- those who
	can count and those who can't.
					Mick Racky

@

	Swanson's Principle of Prelusive Programming:
	Hardware will learn to emulate any software bug within one
	hour of its removal.

@

	A human mind is monumentally harder to change than a bed.
					Lois McMaster Bujold

@

	There are three kinds of medical experiments:

	Single Blind:  The patients don't know if they got the drug
	               or the placebo.

	Double blind:  The doctors don't know either.

	Triple Blind:  The administrators have lost the key and nobody
	               will ever know.

@

	Newton's Law - revised in Ottawa:
	For each and every decision, an equal amount of time,
	energy, and money shall be spent auditing that decision.

@

	Boyle's First Law:
	The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even
	in the wrong denomination.

@

	Boyle's Second Law:
	An original idea will never emerge from a committee in
	the original form.

@

	Boyle's Third Law:
	If not controlled, work will flow to the competent employee
	until he or she is submerged.

@

	Dieter's Law:
	Food that tastes best has the highest number of calories.

@

	Foster's Query:
	If the polls are so accurate, why are there so many polling 
	companies?

@

	Those who know little soon repeat it.

@

	The less an organization produces, the more frequently
	it re-organizes.

@

	Mediocrity imitates.

@

	No boss will keep an employee who is right all of the time.
	No employee will remain with a boss who is wrong all of the time.

@

	An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty.

@

	Trivial laws are promptly voted in; important ones never are.

@

	Nothing is illegal if 100 business men decide to do it.

@

	Otto's Observation:
	The color of any paint formula, as shown by the manufacturer's
	sample, bears no resemblance to the actual color of that
	formula when applied to any surface.

@

	Otto's Corollary:
	No two samples of any paint formula, when prepared at two different
	times, look anything like each other.

@

	The Price/Earnings ratio doesn't mean anything when there is no E.
						Raymond Rose

@

	To catch a mouse, make a noise like a cheese.
						Lewis Kornfeld

@

	The disagreements between theoretical and experimental results can
	generally be resolved if one multiplies the experimental findings 
	by a factor equal to the ratio of the theoretical expectation to
	the experimental measurement.
						Wilder Bancroft

	The ratio is also known as Finnagle's variable constant.
						CJCL

@

	Adding people to speed up a late software project just makes it later.
						Fred Brooks

@

	Attempting to read a roadmap while driving causes all traffic 
	lights to turn green.
						Rene Augustine

@

	When forty million people believe in a dumb idea, it's still
	a dumb idea.

@

	O'Brien's Principle:
	Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line
	divisible by 5 or 10.

@

	Round numbers are always fake.

@

	Morton's Law:
	If rats are experimented on, they will develop cancer.

@

	Booth's Observation:
	The best parachute folders are those who jump themselves.

@

	Sorting out the truth with a lawyer is like sorting balloons
	with a pitchfork.

@

	An engineer is a man who can do for a dime what any damn 
	fool can do for a dollar.
					Nevil Shute

@

	Contraceptives should be used at every conceivable occassion.

@

	A computer user will tell you everything you ask about and
	nothing more.

@

	Crayne's Law:
	All computers wait at the same speed.

@

	Standards aren't standard.
					Gerald Weinburg

@

	If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
					Norm Schryer

@

	The second rule of program optimization:
	Don't do it yet!
					Michael Jackson

@

	God created economists to give credibility to astrologers.

@

	First rule of program optimization;
	Don't do it!
					Michael Jackson

@

	Malpractice makes malperfect.

@

	Meyer's Law:
	In all emotional conflicts, the thing you find hardest to do
	is the thing you should do.
					John D. MacDonald

@

	When the tough get going, they let sleeping dogs lie.

@

	The generation of random numbers is too important
	to be left to chance.

@

	The early worm catches the fish.

@

	Never trust a prescription that has one pill in it.
					C.J. Cherryh

@

	Edelstein's First Law of Benchmarks:
	Every commercial product has its best performance on
	standard benchmarks.

@

	Edelstein's Second Law of Benchmarks:
	In any fair benchmark, the DBMS you want to win, will win.

	Edelstein's Corollory:
	If the system you wanted to win, didn't, the benchmark wasn't fair.

@

	Benchmarking is to computer science as creationism is
	to evolution.
					Herb Edelstein

@

	Timmins' Tautology:
	That quantity which, when mathematically manipulated into a set
	of experimental results, will produce the predicted results, is
	known as a constant.

@

	An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half
	the data must be discarded to obtain agreement with your pet
	theory.

@

	Past experience is always true; do not be mislead by present facts.

@

	When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.

@

	The shortest distance between two points is closed for
	construction.
						Nollie Altito

@

	Any theory that fits all of the facts is bound to be wrong
	since some of the facts are misleading.
						Francis Crick

@

	The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win,
	you're still a rat.
						Lily Tomlin

@

	People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
						Abigail Van Buren

@

	Ever notice that, when operating blinds, you always pull the
	wrong string first?
						P.R. Engele

@

	Woollcott's Wisdom:
		Nothing risque, nothing gained.

@

	Seeger's Law:
	Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

@

	The toughest thing in business is minding your own.

@

	The only time to be positive is when you're positive 
	you are wrong.

@

	Two monologues don't make a dialogue.
	Two monograms don't make a diagram.
	Two carrots do make a diet.

@

	Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they
	are blind.
					Marston Bates

@

	When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split
	the blame -- half his wife's fault and half her mother's.

@

	There will be sex after death; we just won't be able to feel it.
					Lily Tomlin

@

	Weston's Wisdom:
		A fox is a wolf who sends flowers.

@

	Rule of Failure:
	If at first you don't succeed, destroy all 
	evidence that you have tried.

@

	A business is too big when it takes a week for gossip to go
	from one end of the office to the other.

@

	It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

@

	The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself
	without one.

@

	The Word Processor's Rule:
	Nothing highlights a document as much as a failure in the
	spele checker.
						Arild Jensen
@

	If you drink, don't drive.  Don't even putt.
						Dean Martin

@

	Swing at the strikes.
						Yogi Berra

@

	When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
						Yogi Berra

@

	Byrne's Law of Concrete Placement:
	When you pour, it rains.

@

	Caffyn's Rule on Pronouncements:
	The rosier the news, the higher ranking the official
	who announces it.

@

	Buechner's Principle:
	The simplest explanation is that it just doesn't make sense.

@

	Canning's Law:
	Nothing is so fallacious as facts -- except figures.

@

	Chilton's Theological-Clerical Rule:
	If you work in a church office you have to keep all of
	your equipment locked up because nothing is sacred.

@

	Civil Service Maxim:
	The pension is mightier than the sword.

@

	Clark's Law of Leadership:
	A leader should not get too far in front of his troops or
	he will get shot in the arse.

@

	Conrad's Definition:
	A problem drinker is the one who never buys.

@

	Conrad's consolation:
	One advantage of getting older is that there are more
	younger women all the time.

@

	Corcoran's Laws of Nonsense:
	1 - There are no laws of nonsense because laws are logical
	    and nonsense is not.

	2 - Since the previous law is nonsense, ignore Corcoran's
	    First Law of Nonsense.

	3 - If you don't like the first two laws of nonsense, come up
	    with your own.

@

	Craine's Laws of Simplicity:
	For every simple solution, there are a number of complex
	problems.

	For every simple problem there are a number of complex problems.

@

	Crisp's Creed:
	Don't try to keep up with the Joneses; drag them down to your level.

@

	Cruikshank's Observation:
	We have met the enemy, in fact we elected him.

@

	Brown's Insight:
	The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo.

@

	Cuppy's Note:
	All modern men are descended from wormlike creatures, but it
	shows more on some people.

@

	Blattenbenberger's Marital Principle:
	Marriages are like union contracts in that six weeks after
	the event, both parties feel that they could have done better
	if they had held out longer.

@

	Blick's Rule of Life:
	You have two chances -- slim and none.

@

	Bobbitt's Law of TV:
	Television network trouble never occurs except during the most
	exciting part of your favourite program.

@

	Boettcher's Attribution:
	If you have a bunch of clowns, you're going to have a circus.

@

	Boorstein's Observation:
	Two centuries ago, when a great man appeared, people looked for
	God's purpose in him; now we look for his press agent.

@

	Boorstlemann's Rule:
	If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably
	in the wrong lane.

@

	Boucher's Corollary to Murphy's Law:
	Murphy's Law holds no more than eighty per cent of the time;
	unfortunately, it is impossible to predict when.

@

	Bradley's Reminder:
	Everything comes to him who waits, including death.

@

	Brauer's Warning:
	He who tries to pick all the flowers, is sure to get some
	poison ivy.

@

	Brecht's Hierarchy of Needs:
	Grub first -- then ethics.

@

	Bressler's Law:
	There is no crisis to which academics will not respond with
	a seminar.

@

	Brewster's Exception:
	Every rule has its exceptions except this one: a man must be
	present when he's being shaved.

@

	Brother's Sexist Comment:
	The biggest difference between men and boys is the price of
	their toys.

@

	Buchwald's First Sans Souci Rule:
	Any rumour that survives forty eight hours is probably true.

@

	Buchwald's Second Sans Souci Rule:
	When a cabinet minister comes to dine, everybody's lunch is tax
	deductible.

@

	Astor's Economic Insight:
	A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich.

@

	Austin's Law:
	It tastes better at someone else's house.

@

	Barber's Rule:
	Anything worth doing is worth doing to excess.

@

	Schwabb's Truth:
	You can get as drunk on water as you can on land.

@

	Baker's Bylaw:
	When you are over the hill, you pick up speed.

@

	Ballweg's Discovery:
	Whenever there is a flat surface, someone will find something
	to put on it.

@

	Banacek's Rule:
	When an owl shows up at the mouse picnic, he's not there to
	enter the sack race.

@

	Barne's Law of Probability:
	There's a fifty per cent chance of anything.  Either it will
	happen or it won't.

@

	Baron's Law:
	The world is divided between victims and predators, and 
	you have to defend you yourself against both.

@

	Barrymore's Conclusion:
	The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes
	the most amount of trouble is sex.

@

	Beiser's Brass Tack:
	Facts without theory are trivia; theory without facts is bullshit.

@

	Big's Oblique Rule:
	Don't try to stem the tide; move the beach.

@

	Albert's Law of the Sea:
	The more they are in a fog, the more boats (and people)
	toot their horns.

@

	Ackley's Axiom:
	The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional
	to the level of management.

@

	Agrait's Law:
	A rumour will travel fastest to the place where it will do the
	most damage.

@

	Albinak's Algorithm:
	When graphing a function, the width of the line should be
	inversely proportional to the precision of the data.

@

	Anderson's First Maxim:
	Colleges and universities are immune to their own knowledge.

@

	Anderson's Second Maxim:
	You can't out-think a person who isn't thinking.

@

	Arnofy's Law of the Post Office:
	The likelyhood of a letter getting lost in the mail is
	directly proportional to its importance.

@

	Daugherty's Dictum:
	The computer is most likely to crash during backup.

@

	Hanlon's Assertion:
	An unwatched printer always falters.

@

	Bontchev's Laws of Computer viruses:
	1 - If the virus can be made, it will be.
	2 - If the virus cannot be made, it will be anyway.

@

	Nestor's Nostrum:
	Anything worth doing makes a mess

@

	McFee's McFact:
	Matter can neither be created nor destroyed.
	However, it can be lost.

@

	Epps Law of Elevators:
	A crowded elevator smells different to short people.

@

	Never assume anything except a 4 percent mortgage.
						Dave Kindred

@

	No one is ever old enough to know better.
						Holbrook Jackson

@

	Throw strikes.  Home plate don't move.
						Satchel Paige

@

	Inskip's Rules:
	1 - Don't sweat the small stuff.
	2 - It's all small stuff.

@

	Saul's Saw:
	When fastening down something held by several screws,
	don't tighten any of them until they are all in place.

@

	Never change diapers in mid-stream.
						Don Marquis

@

	No amount of planning can replace dumb luck.
						Marc Keralla

@

	Never slap a man who chews tobacco.
						Willard Scott

@

	Two plus two equals five -- for large values of two.


@

	Venturi's Law:
	There are two great rules of life: never tell everything
	at once.

@

	Don't eat yellow snow.
						W.P. Kinsella

@

	Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey
	is barely enough.
						Mark Twain

@

	Atkin's Adage:
	Miserable penny pinching, never-spend-a-dime people are not
	much fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

@

	Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
						Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

@

	Watson's Wisdom:
	Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show
	you a man who can't get his pants on.

@

	A rumour without a leg to stand on will get around
	some other way.
						John Tudor

@

	The more experienced the fortune-teller, the more likely
	they won't predict that their customer is a plain clothes
	officer.

@

	Knebel's Knews:
	Smoking is the leading cause of statistics.

@

	Comroe's Definition:
	Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and 
	finding the farmer's daughter.

@

	When things go wrong, don't go with them.

@

	Up is by definition the direction which broadens your horizons.
						A. Cygni

@ 

	Coull's Comment:
	Every new project requires a tool that you don't have.

	Coull's First Corollory:
	The required tool is probably out of stock.

	Coull's Second Corollory:
	If the required tool is in stock, it is more expensive than
	any tool in your present kit.

@

	Coggins' Cold Truth:
	Conventional wisdom may be conventional but it is not wisdom.

@

	Skelton's First Law:
	Advice is correct, if and only if it is not taken.

@

	Finagle's Principle:
	The perversity of the universe has no bounds.

@

	Four of every three citizens are against the state.

@

	Grandma Solderquist's Conclusion:
	There are more horses' asses in the world than there are
	horses.

@

	Anderson's Axiom:
	Throw it out -- worth a fortune. Keep it -- junk.

@

	Theory is like mist on glasses.  Obscures facts.
					"Charlie Chan"
					(Warner Orland)
@

	It takes one woman nine months to produce a baby, no
	matter how many men you put on the job.

@

	There aren't nearly enough crutches in the world for all
	the lame excuses.

@

	Earthquakes don't kill people, buildings do.
					Californa Engineer

@

	A problem is just an opportunity dereferenced with a null pointer.

@

	Capra's Wisdom:
	A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.

@

	Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work
	he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
					Robert Benchley

@

	Life is like golf.  If you keep in the fairway, you never
	have to ask for a ruling.
					Chi Chi Rodriquez

@

	Putt's Law
	Technology is dominated by two types of people: 
	those who understand what they do not manage, 
	and those who manage what they do not understand.

@
	Three Laws of Crises
	A person must rock the boat to get ahead.
	Technological hierarchies abhor perfection.
	The maximum rate of promotion is achieved at a level of crises 
	only slightly less than that which will result in dismissal.

@


	The Law of Failure
	Technology abhors little failures but rewards big ones.

@


	Laws Governing Values
	The value of an idea is measured by its contents rather than by 
	the structure of the hierarchy in which it is pronounced.

@


	The value of a technical article when first published is 
	proportional to the sum of the prestige of its authors, 
	but its ultimate value is proportional to the sum of the 
	subsequent references to it.

@


	Three Laws of Advice
	The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
	The correct advice is revealed by the structure of the hierarchy, 
	not by the structure of the technology.
	Simple advice is the best advice.
	Unsolicited advice is always bad advice.

@

	Five Laws of Decision Making
	Managers make decisions.
	Any decision is better than no decision.
	A decision is judged by the conviction with which is it uttered.
	Technical analysis have no value above the mid-management level.
	Decision are justified by benefits to the organization; 
	decisions are made by considering benefits to the decision makers.

@

	There is no theorem saying the interesting things in the
	world are conserved--only the total of everything.
						Richard Feynman

@

	Just because your doctor has a name for your condition
	doesn't mean your doctor knows what it is.

	Corollory I:
	If the name of your condition includes the word "intrinsic",
	then nobody knows what it is.

@


	All wiring access holes are either too small or in the wrong place.

@

	A wiring tray you need to string a new cable is full.

@

	The person who snores falls asleep first.

@

	The wise are pleased when they discover the truth; fools are
	pleased when they discover falsehood.

@

	The number of theories that can explain any given phenomenon
	is infinite.

@

	The number of loopholes in any legal system is always greater
	than the number of laws.

@

	You can't outtalk a person who knows what they are talking about.
	You can't out bullshit a person who doesn't.

@

	Parker's rule of parliamentary procedure:
	A motion to adjourn is always in order.

	The most important aspect of this rule is that it is false.
							CJCL

@

	The Iron Law of Secretaries:
	As soon as you get a fresh cup of coffee, the boss will ask
	you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

@

	Wooden legs are not hereditary; wooden heads are.

@

	There are two kinds of people, the righteous and the 
	unrighteous, and the righteous do the dividing.

@

	On any project, the real expert is the person who predicts
	the highest cost and length of time for the project.

@

	Never try to outwait a bureaucrat.

@

	To decide not to decide is to decide.
	To fail to decide is failure.

@

	Mankind is the lowest cost nonlinear all purpose computer
	that can be mass produced by unskilled labour.

@

		I think that I shall never see
		A subroutine that works for me,
		A macro or a zero test
		That isn't just a rodent's nest.
		A string that doesn't always stray
		And mix up bits in wild array.
		A process with re-entrant flair
		That isn't just a looping snare.
		Routines whose timings are not slain
		When interrupts begin to rain.
		Maybe God can make a tree,
		But bugs are made by guys like me.

				Probably not by Joyce Kilmer

@

	Computers are useless.  They can only give answers.
					Pablo Picasso

@

	Stay humble.  Always answer the phone -- no matter
	who else is in the car.
					Jack Lemmon

@

	God made integers; all else is the work of man.
					Leopold Kronecker

@

	Levinger's Law of Inevitable Revision
	They don't know what they want,
	until you give them what they asked for.
				J. E. Levinger

@

	Levinger's Law of Project Duration:
	Everything takes longer than you think.
				J. E. Levinger

@

	Proper Perspective on the Cost of Desired Things:
	When you look at it over thirty years, it's only pennies a day.
				H. R. Levinger

@

	Planning is designing a desired future.
				Richard A. Stack

@

	Stages of Learning
	1. Turning data into information
	2. Turning information into knowledge
	3. Turning knowledge into wisdom
				Richard A. Stack

@

	Kirkland's First Law:
	Never bet your bladder against a brewery.

@

	Kirkland's Second Law:
	Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

@
	Lebowitz Law:
	Never let your children mix drinks.  It's unseemly
	and they use too much vermouth.

@

	Good luck knocks once but bad luck is more patient.

@

	Eperson's Law:
	When a man says it's a silly childish game, it's probably
	something his wife can beat him at.


@

	Never say 'oops' in the operating room.
					Dr. Leo Troy

@

	First things first -- but not necessarily in that order.
					Dr. Who

@

	A person has two reasons for doing anything; a good
	reason and the real reason.

@

	Diamond is coal that performed well under pressure.

@

	A consultant is a person who borrows your watch,
	tells you what time it is, pockets your watch and sends
	you a bill.

@

	Reality is an illusion created by an alcohol deficiency.

@

	Virtual means never knowing where your next
	byte is coming from.

@

	God is REAL (unless declared INTEGER).

@

	A censor is a man who thinks he knows more than you ought to.

@

	Free cheese always sits in a mousetrap.

@

	Anything worth doing well is worth doing slowly.
					Gypsy Rose Lee

@

	A  hangover is the wrath of grapes.

@

	Ducharme's Axiom:
	If you examine your problem closely enough, you will
	recognize yourself as part of the problem.

@

	Exceptions prove the rule -- and wreck the budget.


@

	Mathematicians are devices for turning coffee into theorems.

@

	All things are possible except skiing through a
	revolving door.

@

	An ugly carpet will last forever.
					Erma Bombeck

@

	Bigamy is having one spouse to many.  So is monogamy.

@

	Crane's Rule:
	There are three ways to get something done:  do it
	yourself, hire someone to do it or forbid your
	kids from doing it.

@

	Leibowitz's Rule:
	When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger
    	if you hold the hammer with both hands.

@

	Never get between a dog and a lamp post.

@

	Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very,
	very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

@

	Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
	The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly
	in front of the driver's eyes.

@

	If an instructor says, "It is obvious" it isn't.

@

	If you don't say it, they can't repeat it.

@

	A computer language with a goto is Wirth-less.

@

	Wind velocity is proportional to the cost of a hairdo.

@

	Every computer is a Digital computer.
						Ken Olson

@

	It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is
	seldom a mistake.
						H.L. Mencken

@

	Mobius strippers never show you their back side!

@

	When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it.
						Yogi Berra

@

	One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs,
	but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without 
	making a decent omelette.

@

	Westheimer's Discovery:
    	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
    	couple of hours in the library.

@

	Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.

@

	Of course you should go out on a limb --
	that's where the fruit is.

@

		My patience is all,
		The features are yet,
		The opener the architecture,
		The behinder I get.
						Al Stevens
						Dr. Dobbs Journal

@

	You can't control what you can't measure.
						Tom DeMarco

@

	Spicer's Third Law of Parliamentary Procedure:
	For every action, there's a parliamentary commission.

@

	Bob Rae's Ratio:
	Political ineptitude varies as the square of ideological
	rigidity.

@

	La Rule Lindros:
	A professional athlete's diplomatic skills are inversly
	proportional to his scoring ability.

@

	Hussein's Law of Conservation:
	Nuclear material has no dimensions or physical location.
	Therefore it cannot be created, destroyed, or found.

@

	John Crow's Iron Law:
	Prosperity yesterday, prosperity tomorrow, but hardship today.

@

	Geraldo's Ratio:
	The dumber the TV show, the bigger the ratings.

@

	Life is full of doors that don't open when you knock,
	equally spaced with those that open when you don't want them to.
						Roger Zelazny

@

	If you don't understand it, don't screw around with it.
						Roger Zelazny

@

	A woman must marry for love, and keep on marrying until
	she finds it.
						Zsa Zsa Gabor

@

	In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the 
	fairway and hold up a one-iron.  Not even God can hit a
	one-iron.
						Lee Trevino

@

	Look around the card table.  If you don't see a sucker,
	get up, because you're the sucker.
						Amarillo Slim

@

	Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you.
						Mae West

@

	You can never be too paranoid.
						C.E. Crimmons

@

	Self restraint is feeling your oats without sowing them.
						Shannon Fife

@

	Weiner's Wisdom:
	Remember when he peacock struts his stuff he shows his
	backside to half the world.

@

	When Death is present, the wise are absent.
						Dave Duncan

@

		I/O! I/O!  It makes the system slow.
		So use some cache to make it flash,
		I/O! I/O, I/O, I/O.
					With apologies to Grumpy

@


	Our little systems have their day.

					Alfred Lord Tennyson
					(In Memoriam)

@


	The best selling system is the one that makes the
	best video tape.

@

	Physics has nothing to do with reality.

@

	The better the four wheel drive, the further out
	you get stuck.

@

	If you don't have enemies, you don't have character.
					Paul

@

	Balogh's Law of Corporate Management:
	If there were only half the staff, corporate management
	would be ten times easier.

@

	Tasiaux' Law of Corporate Management:
	An unsuccessful company needs a highly successful accountant.

@

	Miesch's Re-Tort:
	When your lawyer tells you it's impossible or illegal, he's
	just testing you out to see how much he can charge you for
	making your wished come true.

@

	Meisch's Trial Balance:
	All accountants will usually charge a very modest fee until
	they explain to you that your books are unusually complex.

	No auditor will ever accept a simple, straightforward
	explanation.

@

	A careful wife will make her husband put away money for a
	rainy  day and then make sure they move to Texas.  She will
	also make sure she is at least thirty years younger than
	her husband.
						Colin Meisch

@

	I'm neither for nor against the motion - in fact, quite the
	contrary.
						Anonymous Swiss Politician

@

	Meisch's Observation:
	Behind every successful businessman there stands a woman in
	a mink coat;  behind every successful businesswoman, there
	lies an emaciated husband.  Emaciated is sometimes spelled
	'emasculated'.

@

	During my lifetime, many women have told me how wonderfully
	I make love to them.  I always tell them it is simply a matter
	of practice;  when I am home by myself, I practice a lot.
						Woody Allen

@

	Miesch's Quandry:
	You can't out-drink a person who isn't drinking but
	you can outlive a person who isn't living.

@

	Miesch's Laws of Dieting:
	1.  If you enjoy eating it, your wife will never cook it for you.
	2.  If you don't like it, your wife will serve it three times
	    a week on the premise that it is good for you.
	3.  If you get to like it, your wife will take it off the menu.
	4.  Happily married fat men are a rarity.

@

	There is one difference between a tax collector and a
	taxidermist - the taxidermist leaves the hide.
						Mortimer Caplin
						IRS Commissioner (1963)

@

	Faye's Declaration:
	There are too many menus and not enough appetite.

@

	Brock's Note:
	Enough things will go right to make you keep on trying;
	enough things will go wrong to make you wish you hadn't.

@

	Conran's Law:
	First things first; second things never.

@

	As I keep repeating to anyone who will listen;
	there is no such thing as a secret.
						Suzy Knickerbocker

@

	If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done
	in the library?
						Lily Tomlin

@

	Getting divorced because you don't love a man is almost as
	silly as getting married because you do.
						Zsa Zsa Gabor

@

	Do I lift weights?  Sure I do - every time I get up.
						Dolly Parton

@

	A curved line is the lovliest distance between two points.
						Mae West

@

	Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confection,
	children tend to be sticky.
						Fran Lebowitz

@

	Never allow your child to call you by your first name,
	he hasn't known you long enough.
						Fran Lebowitz

@

	Although today there are many trial marriages, there is
	no such thing as a trial child.
						Gail Sheehy

	False!  Every child is a trial.
						CJCL

@

	You can say what you like about long dresses, but they
	cover a multitude of shins.
						Mae West

@

	Macho does not prove mucho.
						Zsa Zsa Gabor

@

	I believe in large familys - every woman should have
	at least three husbands.
						Zsa Zsa Gabor

@

	Punctuality is somewthing that, if you have it, there's often
	no one around to share it with you.
						Hylda Baker

@

	Gordon's Rule:
	I think there is one smashing rule.  Don't face facts.

@

	Whitehorn's  Second Law:
	No nice men are good at getting taxis.

@

	If you give a man enough rope, then he will skip.
						Zsa Zsa Gabor

@

	Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply hadn't
	found out where to go shopping.
						Bo Derek

@

		Men seldom make passes
		At girls who wear glasses
		But a girl on a sofa
		Is easily won ofa.
						Dorthy Parker

@

	Shanahan's Law:
	The length of a meeting is proporional to the square of the
	number of people present.

@

	Berlei's Law:
	On the very day you have worn your frumpiest, dullest, greyest
	old bra, the man you have been secretly in love with for the
	last five years finally makes a pass at you -- and you are
	forced to slap his hands instead.
						Sally MacGuiness
						Brisbane Courier-Mail

@

	Women do not like timid men.  Cats do not like prudent mice.
						H.L. Mencken

@

	What you have when everyone wears the same playclothes for
	all occassions, is addressed by nickname, expected to
	particiapate in show and tell and bullied out of any desire
	for privacy is not democracy.  It is kindergarten.
						"Miss Manners"
						Judith Martin

@


	You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
						Alex Tilley

@

	All nations want peace but they want a peace that suits them.
						John Fisher, First Sea Lord

@

	You can replace cavelrymen and artillerymen within a few
	months, but you simply can't go around to the green grocers,
	and buy new battleships, cruisers and destroyers.
						John Fisher, First Sea Lord

@

	A straw vote shows where the hot air blows.
						O. Henry

@

	Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
	Aleph-null bottles of beer.
	Take one down and pass it around,
	Aleph-null bottle of beer on the wall.

	(Repeat aleph-null times, then count remaining bottles)

@

	All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

@

	Anyone with money to burn will find someone to tend the fire.

@

	As I was passing Project MAC
	I met a QUUX with seven hacks.
	Each hack had seven bugs;
	Each bug had seven manifestations;
	Each manifestation had seven synptoms.
	Symptoms, manifestations, bugs and hacks.
	How many loses at Project MAC?

@

	Be a better psychologist and the world will beat a 
	psychopath to your door.

@

	Behold the warranty  -- the bold print giveth and the
	fine print taketh away.

@

	Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.

@

	Crime does not pay -- as well as politics.
						Mad Magazine

@

	First law of bicycling:
	The route is always uphill and into the wind.

@

	There never has been and never will be a language in which
	it is the least bit difficult to write a bad program.

@

	Going to church does not make a person religious, not does
	going to school make a person educated,any more than going
	to a garage makes a person a car.

@

	Hall's Laws of Politics:
	1. The voters want fewer taxes  and more spending.
	2. Citizens want honest politicians until they need something fixed.
	3. Constituency drives out consistency (i.e. liberals defend
	   military spending and conservatives social spending in their
	   own constituency.)

@

	All you need to grow vigorous grass is a crack in a sidewalk.

@

	Friedman's Find:
	Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
						Milton Friedman

@

	Heuristic programs are bug ridden by definition.  If they
	didn't have bugs, they'd be algorithms.

@

	IBM  had a PL/1
		It's syntax worse then JOSS
	And everywhere this language went
		It was a total loss.
						gls@think.com

@

	If entropy is increasing, then where is it coming from?

@

	If I travelled to the end of the rainbow,
		As Dame Fortune did intend,
	Murphy would be there to tell me
		The pot's at the other end.
						Bert Whitney

@

	In America, any boy can become president and I  suppose that's
	just one of the risks he takes.

@

	In the long run, every program becomes rococco and then rubble.
						Alan Perlis

@

	The leading cause of cancer in rats is research.

@

	It's much easier to suggest solutions when you know
	nothing about the problem.

@

	Laslo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
	one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

@

	Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
						Lili Tomlin

@

	The Micro Law:
	Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.

@

	Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

@

	Mitchell's Law of Committees:
	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough
	meetings are held to discuss it.

@

	Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.

@

	Never offend people with style when you can 
	offend them with substance.

@

	One difference between a man and a machine is that a 
	machine is quiet when well oiled.

@

	Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
						Eric Hoffer

@

	pi seconds is a nanocentury.
						Tom Duff

@

	Radioactive cats have 18 half lives.

@

	Korman's Law:
	Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll
	get another chance later on.

@

	The Law of Innovation Prevention:
	Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies
	will reject the proposal.

@

	Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
	1. Nothing travels faster than a bad check.
	2. A quarter ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
	3. There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind which is
	   attracted to light objects and the light kind which
	   is attracted to dark objects.

@

	System/3!   System/3.
	See how it runs!  See how it runs!
	It's monitor loses so totally,
	It runs all its programs in RPG.
	It's made by your favourite monopoly!
	System/3!
					gls@think.com

@

	A monitor system named DOS
	Became superseded by OS
	It's not hard to guess
	Why the subsequent mess
	Caused programmers all to scream S.O.S.
					gls@think.com

@

	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable
	from a rigged demo.

@

	Swipple's Rule of Order:
	He who shouts loud enough has the floor.

@

	Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

@

	The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
	The goal of nature is to build better mice.

@

	The Gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines.
	The Gods gave man love and he invented marriage.

@

	Medwar's Metarule:
	The human mind treats a new idea the way the human
	body treats a new protein -- it rejects it.

@

	The older a man gets, the further he had to walk to school
	as a boy.

@

	The one good thing about repeating your mistakes
	is that you know when to cringe.

@

	The probability of someone watching you is proportional
	to the stupidity of your actions.

@

	There was a young man who said, "God,
	I find it exceedingly odd,
	That the willow oak tree 
	Continues to be
	When there's no one about in the Quad."

	Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
	For I'm always about in the Quad.
	And that's why the tree
	Continues to be
	Signed "Yours faithfully, God."

@

	There's only one way to have a happy marriage and
	as soon as I learn what it is, I'll get married again.
						Clint Eastwood

@

	An unbreakable toy can be used to break other toys.

@

	When we are planning for posterity, we ought to rememeber
	that virtue is not hereditary.
						Thomas Paine

@

	Oh dear, what can the matter be
	When it's converted to energy?
	There's a slight loss of parity.
	Neutrinos are so hard to snare.
						Traditional

@

	Where humour is concerned there are no standards --
	no one can say what is good or bad, although you can 
	be sure that everyone will.
						John Kenneth Galbraith

@

	Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.

@

	Whistler's Law:
	You never know who's right but you always know who is in charge.

@

	Achilles' Biological Findings:
	1. If  a child looks like his father, it's heredity.
	2. If the child looks like a neighbour, it's environment.
	3. A lot of time has been wasted over which came first,
	   the chicken or the egg.  It was the rooster.

@

	Kingston's Koan:
	Trust your computer but not its programmer.

@

	You don't have to explain something you never said.
						Calvin Coolidge

@

	If you want to see your plays performed the way you
	wrote them, become President.
						Vaclav Havel

@

	Any girl can be glamorous.  All you have to do is
	stand still and look stupid.
						Hedy Lamarr

@

	The power of accurate observation is commonly called
	cynicism by those who lack it.
						G. B. Shaw

@

	The proof that IBM  didn't invent the car is that it has
	a steering wheel and an accelerator instead of ropes and
	spurs to be compatible with a horse.
						Jac Goudsmit

@

	Fishing is a delusion entirely surrounded by liars
	in old clothes.
						Don Marquis

@

	Relationships are complex because they are part real
	and part imaginary.
						Martin Terman

@

	Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
	Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
						Groucho Marx

@

	The rule for staying alive as a program manager is to
	give them a number or give them a date, but never give
	them both at once.

@

	A feature is a bug with seniority.
						Dave Bartley

@

	A philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
						Anon

@

	Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.   If your
	ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's
	throats.
						Howard Aiken

@

	The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and 
	all those who make empty prophecies.  The danger already
	exists that mathematicians have made a covenent with the
	devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of
	Hell.
						Saint Augustine

@

	ASCII is our God and UNIX is his profit.
						Gary Benson

@

	Tobacco is the only drug that will kill you if used as directed.
						Dr C. Everett Koop

@

	If I had my life to live over again, I'd make the same mistakes
	only sooner.
						Tallulah Bankhead

@

	I respect faith but doubt is what gets you an education.
						Wilson Mizner

@

	A society of sheep must in time begat a government of wolves.
						Bertrand de Jouvenel

@

	The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
						Ludwig Wittgenstein

@

	I'd rather be a woman than a man.  Women can cry, they can
	wear cute clothes, and they're first to be rescued off
	sinking ships.
						Gilda Radner

@

	I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful wholesome
	things that money can buy.
						Steve Martin

@

	In a calm sea, every man is a pilot.
						John Ray

@

	Ignorance is not bliss; it is oblivion.
						Philip Wylie

@

	There are two ways of writing error free programs.
	Only the third one works.

@

	Every program has two purposes: the one for which it is
	written and the one for which it is used.

@

	It is easier to write an incorrect program than to understand
	a correct one.

@

	Fuller's Law of Cosmic Irreversability:
	1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
	1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
						Buckminster Fuller

@

	Under any conditions anywhere, whatever you are doing,
	there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
						Robert Sprecht

@

	Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall within.
						Proverbs

@

	It is only after turning in your notice that you find:
	-	you were in line for a promotion, and;
	-	new early retirement benefits will soon be announced.

@

	You only need a bedpan during visitors hours.

@

	When you collect all the facts, you'll find them misleading.

@

	Even water tastes bad when given under doctor's orders.

@

	Innovation is easy.  You just rub smart people and
	money together.
						Alan Kay

@

	The real impact of computers is not the silicon.  It's
	not even the current software.  It's the re-thinking.
						Bob Frankston

@

	First rule of Superiority:
	Don't let your superiors know you are superior to them.

@

	Kitman's Law:
	Ordinary drivel is driven from the TV by pure drivel.

@

	Alexander Graham Bell's Observation:
	When a body is immersed in water, the phone rings.

@

	Young's Law of Research Projects:
	The greater the funding, the longer the project takes.
	Projects  with unlimited funding take forever.

@

	Miller's Law:
	You cannot tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it.

@

	A man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
						Ben Franklin

@

	A language that doesn't affect the way you think about
	programming is a language not worth knowing.
						Dennis M. Richie

@

	A  large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is
	they work by being declared to work.
						Anatol Holt

@

	A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
						Anon

@

	The purpose of simulation is insight, not numbers.
						Richard Hamming

@

	Of two evils choose the prettier.
						Carolyn Wells

@

	The visionary is the only true realist.
						Frederico Fellini

@

	If you know where you are going, any road will take you there.
	If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you
	there.

@

	The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
	number of statements understood by the general public.

@

	Twain's Truth:
	First get your facts; then distort them.

@

	The best time to tackle a small problem is before he grows up.

@

	Ideas don't work unless you do.

@

	The wise look things over; the unwise overlook things.

@

	Good luck is the lazy man's explanation of the worker's success.

@

	Wits are a means of support that must be sharp to be sure.

@

	Politeness is better than logic.  You can often persuade
	when you can't convince.

@

	Nothing is too wonderful to be true.
					Michael Faraday

@

	Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers.
					Lenord Brandwein

@

	There are more icebergs than Titanics.

@

	No man is free who cannot command himself.
					Pythagoras

@

	No matter how much you nurse a grudge, it won't get better.

@

	The Programmer's Cheer:
	SHIFT to the left.  SHIFT to the right.
	POP UP. PUSH DOWN. BYTE! BYTE! BYTE!

@

	Think twice before speaking and you may find something to
	say that's even more annoying.

@

	When adults act like children, they're silly.
	When children act like adults, they're delinquent.

@

	If it works, it's obsolete.
						Marshall McLuhan


@

	Man cannot live by incompetence alone.
						Laurence J. Peter


@

	Whether it works in practice is neither here nor there.
	Will it work in theory?
						Frank Milligan


@

	Stirling's Law:
	If you believe in Ogopogo, or any other mystical beast,
	you will likely see one.  If you are a sceptic, you
	never will.
						Mary Moon

@

	Organization is the enemy of improvisation.
						Lord Beaverbrook


@

	If it ain't broke -- it's still under warranty.


@

	Cloak's Ratio:
	The urgency of any project is inversely proportional
	to its importance.

@

	Eskimo Recipe for Loon Soup:
	Do not make Loon Soup.


@

	Dewan's Law:
	A late train gets later.

@

	Roy's Law:
	The amount of fear people have about a scientific question
	is proportional to their distance from scientific reality--
	squared.
						David Roy

@

	Paige's Pronouncement:
	A  stitch in time would destroy Einstein's Theory of Relativity.
						Ned Paige

@

	Moffat's Law:
	Any fundamental theory of physics is beautiful.
	If it isn't, it's wrong.
						John Moffat

@

	Lee's Lament:
	Pars come and pars go but double bogies go on forever.

@

	Jill's Discovery:
	You can find love on the tennis court but it's more
	comfortable on the golf course.

@

	Everyone scores an eagle on the nineteenth hole.


@

	Williams' Woe:
	Vehicle electric windows always fail in the down position.

@


	In order to get ahead, you have to use one.
						Anon

@

	Every job is a self portrait of the person who did it.


@

	The bridges you cross before you come to them are over
	rivers that aren't there.
						Gene Brown

@

	If IF statments and AND statements were POT statments and
	PAN statements there would be no work for thinkers.
						John A. Hanlon

@

	Inverse Java Equation:
	You should never have coffee near the computer but what is
	a computer that doesn't have a cup of coffee near it?
						John A. Hanlon

@

	Rose's Rule of Software Reciprocity:
	If the customers are unhappy enough with the software, they
	will find a way to make their feelings known...even if forms
	for this were not included.

@

	Rose's General Observation:
	It appears very  straightforward in the instructions.

@

	The Doctor's Observation on Security:
	The more sophisticated the technology, the more vulnerable
	it is to primitive attack.



@

	Put not your trust in kings and princes.  Three of a kind will
	take them both.
						General Robert C. Schneck

@

	Really, sex and laughter do go very well together,  and I
	wondered -- and still do -- which is the more important.
						Hermione Gingold

@

	The reason most people sweat is so they won't catch fire
	when they make love.
						Don Rose

@

	Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly
	interesting sum of money.  There are, however, exceptions
	and such children are an interesting addition to any party.
						Fran Lebowitz


@

	Kreisler's Law of Prodigies:
	Between 25 and 35 you're too young to do anything well;
	after 35, you're too old.


@

	A  paranoid is a man who knows a little about what is
	going on.
						William Burroughs

@

	I'm an N'ary tree, I am, I am,
	N'ary the eighth, I am, I am.
	I'm being tranversed by the parser next door,
	She's traversed seven trees before,
	And every one of them was N'ary!
	(She wouldn't have a B-Tree in her RAM.)
	I'm her eighth N tree, I'm N'ary,
	N'ary the eighth, I am.
						With apologies to all!


@

	Professor Nicolas Wirth
	Says a programming language's worth
	Depends on its syntax
	And handling of stacks
	And how well its procedures recurth.
						James N. Landau

@

	When you automate a bad process, what you get is a fast
	bad process that's widely distributed.
						John Dwyer

@

	Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally
	responsible when he makes a hole in one.
						Horizons Magazine

@

	The more human beings proceed by plan, the more effectively
	they may hit by accident.
						Friedrich Durrenmott

@

	If it weren't for Thomas Edison, we'd all be watching
	television by candle light.


@

	Jana's Second Law of Love:
	Better a pebble given out of love than a diamond
	out of duty.


@

	The older a man gets, the further he had to walk to school
	as a boy.


@

	One of the advantages of clean living is that you can
	distinquish between the flu and a hangover.

@

	The only function of behavior forcasting is to make
	astrology look respectable.


@

	You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.


@

	Nobody wants constructive criticism; it's all we can do to
	put up with constructive praise.

@

	Law of Least Significance:
	When code doesn't work, check the part you didn't think was
	important.


@

	Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your
	fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out
	of jury duty.

@

	The notion of a 'record' is an obsolete remnant of the
	days of the 80-column punched card.
					Dennis M. Ritchie

@

	Blore's Razor:
	Given a choice betwen two theories, take the one
	which is funnier.

@

	Two wrongs are only the beginning.


@

	The Consultant's Curse:
	When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give
	him what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is
	very strong medicine and is normally only required once.

@

	Rominger's Rules for Students:
	1 - The more general the title of the course, the less you
	will learn from it.
	2 - The more specific a title is, the less you will be able
	to apply it later.

@

	In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
						Napoleon


@

	The beginning of knowledge is to discover something
	we don't understand.
						Frank Herbert

@

	Do as I say, not as I do.
						John Selden, 1644

@

	You don't have to explain anything you never said.
						Calvin Coolidge


@

	Celko's Law:
	A  number impresses with the square of the number of decimal places.

@

	The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who
	comes in late and owns the worm farm.
						Travis McGee
						(John D. MacDonald)

@

	Mill's Law:
	If you torture your data long enough, they will tell you what
	you want to hear.


@
	First Woe of Warranties:
	The more an item costs, the further you have to send it for
	repairs.


@
	First Rule of Environmental Protection:
	The species is protected only after it is hopelessly depleted.


@

	Rule of Feline Frustration:
	When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks
	utterly content and adorable, you will have to go to
	the bathroom.

@

	Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
	Don't worry if it doesn't go right.  If everything did,
	you'd be out of a job.

@

	Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
						Frank Zappa


@

	The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the
	square of the number of participants.
						Adam Walinsky

@

	I  wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the
	intelligence.  There's a knob called brightness,
	but it doesn't work.
						

@

	First Law of Leadership:
	Changing things is central to leadership and changing them
	before anyone else does is creative leadership.


@

	The reaon computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.


@

	One Page Principle:
	A specification that will not fit one one page of 8.5x11 inch
	paper cannot be understood.
						Mark Ardis

@

	Larkinson's Law:
	All laws  are basically false.

@

	The IQ of a group is the lowest IQ of any member of the
	group divided by the number of members of the group.


@

	A bachelor is a selfish undeserving guy who has
	cheated some woman out of a divorce.
						Don Quinn

@

	A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.


@

	The reason why worry kills more people than work is that
	more people worry than work.


@

	The Bull's Law:
	The price of a stock moves inversely to the number of
	shares purchased.

	Corollary I:
	-- and directly to the number sold.


@

	Naeser's Law:
	You can make it foolproof but you can't make it
	damnfool proof.

@
	The Salesman's  Law:
	The inside contact that you have developed at great expense
	is the first person to be let go in any organization.


@

	In seeking the unobtainable, simplicity only gets in the way.


@

	Law of Communications:
	The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
	between different levels of a hierarchy is a vastly increased
	area of misunderstanding.

@

	If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
						Tom Robbins

@

	Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.


@

	Finangle's Creed:
	Science is true; don't be mislead by facts.

@

	In the good old days, when you wanted a horse to stand
	still you tied him to a hitching post.  Now you bet on him.

@

	Rules for Academic Deans:
	1 - HIDE!
	2 - If they find you, Lie.
						Father Damian Fandel

@

	Education is the process of casting false pearls
	before real swine.
						Irsin Edman

@

	You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the
	language of supercomputers.
						Steven Feiner


@

	Laws of Serendipity:
	1 - In order to discover anything, you must be looking
	    for something.
	2 - If you wish to make an improved product, you must
	    already be engaged in making an inferior one.

@

	If there is anything a public servant hates to do, it's
	something for the public.
						Kim Hubbard

@

	Jacob's Law:
	The less work an organization produces, the more frequently
	it re-organizes.


@

	The Research Law:
	The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you
	cannot determine the source.


@

	All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
	unrehearsed.
						Sean O'Casey

@

	I'm going to live forever or die trying.
						Spider Robinson

@

	The least experienced fisherman always catches the
	biggest fish.


@
	When Noah feard the weather forcast he ordered the building
	of the ark -- that was leadership.
	When he looked around and said, "Don't let the elephants see
	what the rabbits are up to," that was management.


@

	Glib's Law of Unreliability:
	Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
	probable cost of errors, or until somebody insists on
	getting some useful work done.


@

	Science commits suicide when it adopts a creed.
						Thomas Huxley


@

	The simpler it looks, the more problems it hides.


@
	The Decision Principles:
	1 - Never make a decision until uou have to.
	2 - Never make a decision you can get someone else to make.
	3 - If you have to make a decision, make sure you have someone
	    to blame.


@

	Lewis' Law of Travel:
	The first piece of lugage out of the chute doesn't belong
	to anyone, ever.

@

	If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us,
	we'd all be millionaires.
						Abigail Van Buren

@

	You're never too old to become younger.
						Mae West


@

	God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday,
	Wednesday and Friday, and the Devil runs them by
	quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
						William Bragg

@

	Lizzie Borden took an axe,
	And plunged it deep into the VAX;
	Don't you envy people who
	Do all the things you want to do?

@

	If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have
	studied harder.
						Pope John Paul I

@

	Four Laws of Accounting:
	1 - Trial balances don't.  (But they are a trial.)
	2 - Working capital doesn't.
	3 - Liquidity runs out.
	4 - Return on investment doesn't.


@

	Law of Inanimate Reproduction:
	If you take something apart and put it back together
	enough times, eventually you will have two of them.


@

	Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the
	earth is the centre of the universe.  The premise is
	wrong but the navigation works.  An incorrect model
	can be a useful tool.
						Kelvin Throop

@

	I think that I shall never see
	A billboard lovely as a tree.
	Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
	I'll never see a tree at all.
						Ogden Nash

@

	Zimmerman's Law:
	Nobody notices when things go right.


@

	Old hardware goes to the junkyard; old software goes
	into production every night.


@

	For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.

@

	The Insurance Law:
	Insurance covers everything except what happens.


@

	Logicians have but ill defined
	As rational the human kind.
	Logic, they say, belongs to man,
	Let them prove it if they can.
						Oliver Goldsmith

@

	The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and littered
	with sloppy analysis.


@

	Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.


@

	Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to
	be paid back.


@


	Innovation is hard to schedule.
						Dan Flystra

@

	Do not show your wounded finger, for everything 
	will knock against it.
						Baltasar Gracian

@

	Love is a word that is constantly heard,
	Hate is a word that is not.
	Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
	Love, I have read, is hot.
	But hate is a verb that to me is superb,
	And love is a drug on the mart.
	Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
	But hating, my boy, is an Art.
						Ogden Nash

@

	Intelligence appears to be the thing that enables a man
	to get along without an education.  Education appears to
	be the thing that enables a man to get along without
	the use of his intelligence.
						A. E. Wiggan

@

	First Law of Examinations:
	When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most
	important ones will be illegible.


@

	You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


@

	Irrationality is the square root of all evil.
						Douglas Hofstadter


@

	Science is the refusal to believe on the basis of hope.

@

	Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding,
	at leat when they are between the ages of 18 months and
	90 years.
						James Thurber

@

	I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
						Mae West

@

	Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it,
	doesn't go away.
						Philip K. Dick

@

	Bradley's Bromide:
	If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into
	a committee--that will do them in.


@

	All rush jobs are due the same day.


@

	It is against the grain of modern education to teach children
	to program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring
	discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to
	detail,and learning to be self critical?
						Alan Perlis

@

	If you don't know the answer, somebody will ask the question.

@
	God rest you CS students now,
	Let nothing you dismay.
	The VAX is down and won't be up
	Until the first of May.
	The program that was due this morn,
	Will be postponed they say.
		Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
		Comfort and joy,
		Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.

@

	Chemistry is applied theology.
						Augustus Oswell III

@

	It is easier to destroy than create.
					Any general, any army, any age.

@

	Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain
	things that would otherwise require hard thinking.
						Jerome Letvin

@
	The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to
	the softness of the bread.


@

	Scientists are Peeping Toms at the keyhole of eternity.
						Arthur Koestler

@

	The second to last bug has just been fixed.
						Ray Simard

@

	Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs
	become prohibitive.
						William F. Buckley

@

	Moses' Motto:
	It is better to wander forty years in the desert than to
	ask directions.


@

	Flon's Law:
	There is not now, and never will be, a language in which
	it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.


@

	100 buckets of bits on the bus
	100 buckets of bits
	Take one down, short it to ground
	FF buckets of bits on the bus.
						Anon

@

	Law of Bicycling:
	The shortest route has the steepest hills.

@

	The simplest way to learn speed reading is to get
	a letter from the tax department.


@

	Real users never know what they want, but they always
	know when your program doesn't deliver it.

@

	All the world loves a lover -- except those waiting to
	use the phone.


@

	Never rely on a person who uses 'party' as a verb.


@

	Governments lie, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy
	they are different lies.


@

	One thing inventors cannot seen to get the bugs out of
	is fresh paint.

@

	I really hate this damn machine,
	I  wish that htey would sell it.
	It never does what I want it to,
	But only what I tell it.
						Traditional

@

	Chess is about as elaborate a waste of human intelligence
	as you could find anywhere outside an advertising agency.
						Raymond Candler

@

	Science may never come up with a better office communications
	system than the coffee break.

@

	It's the dream of each programmer,
		Before his life is done,
	To write three lines of APL
		And make the damn thing run.
						Anon

@

	Laws of searching:
	1 - The first place to look for anything is the last place you
	    would expect to find it.
	2 - Missing books are in the bookshelf, not where they're
	    supposed to be.



@

	First Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination shortens the job and places the ultimate
	responsibility for its termination on somebody else (i.e.
	the authority who imposed it in the first place).


@

	A cycnic is a person searching for an honest man
	with a stolen lantern.
						Edgar E. Schoaff

@

	If all men were brothers, would you let one marry
	your sister?


@

	The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Estimation:
	To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
	program, take your best estimate, multiply by two, add one,
	and convert to the next higher units.

@

	PL/1, the fatal disease, belongs more to the problem set
	than to the solution set.
						E.W. Dijkstra

@

	Real users find the one combination of bizzare input values
	that shuts down the system for days.

@

	The Housing Law:
	1 - People who  can least afford to pay rent, pay rent.
	2 - People who can most afford to pay rent, build up equity.


@

	de Vries Dillema:
	If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't
	want hits the paper.

@

	The camel has a single hump;
	The dromedary two;
	Or else the other way around.
	I'm never sure.  Are you?
						Ogden Nash

@

	A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
						Ogden Nash

@

	Murphy's Metalaw:
	All of Murphy's Laws may be bypassed by learning the
	simple art of doing without thinking.

@

	Swartzberg's Test:
	The validity of a science is its ability to predict.


@

	All programmers are playwrights and all computers
	are lousy actors.


@

	Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion
	to the inherent unreliability of  the system in which they
	are used.

@

	First Law of Final Exams:
	1 - Pocket calculator battaries that have lasted all year will
	     fail during the exam.
	2 - If  you bring extra  batteries, they will be defective.


@

	Gray's Law of Programming:
	'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the
	same time as 'n' tasks.

	Gray's Refutation:
	'n+1' trivial actually take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.


@

	Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment
	for economists.
						John Kenneth Galbraith

@

	The chief danger in life is that you make take too many
	precautions.
						Alfred Adler

@

	I profoundly believe that it takes a lot of practice to
	become a moral slob.
						William F. Buckley

@

	A poet in history is divine but a poet in the next
	room is a joke.
						Max Eastman

@

	Real users are afraid they'll break the machine, but
	they're never afraid to break your face.

@

	Mediocre Manager's Motto:
	Manage by the book even if you don't know who wrote the
	book or even what book.


@

	One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire
	was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate
	the termination of their C strings.
						Robert Firth

@

	Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell, belongs there.
						Sydney Harris

@

	Third Law of Photography:
	If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
	when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all
	of the dark leaks out.


@

	Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted
	to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class
	management.


@

	A  dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to
	take it off you.
						Francois Sagan

@

	The best way to start a fire with two sticks is to make sure
	that one of them is a match.
						Will Rogers


@

	Dare to be naive.
						R. Buckminster Fuller

@

	Law of the Conservation of Dirt:
	In  order for something to become clean, something else
	must become dirty.  However, it is easy to get everything
	dirty without getting anything clean.


@

	The buck stops with the guy who signs the checks.
						Rupert Murdoch

@

	Silence is better than unmeaning words.
						Pythagoras


@

	If a group of 'n' persons implements a COBOL compiler, there
	will be 'n-1' passes.  Somebody in the group has to be a
	manager.
						T. Cheatham

@

	Alden's first law:
	Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major
	cause of pregnancy.

@

	Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that 
	is the way the job is described in the formal spec.  
	Working late would feel like using an undocumented
	external procedure.

@

	I prefer old age to the alternative.
						Maurice Chevalier

@

	Documentation is the castor oil of programming.  Management
	knows it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.

@

	A modern Zen koan:
	If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
	If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.

	(Obviously an ice cream koan)

@

	Every creature has withing him the wild, uncontrollable
	urge to punt.


@

	better !pout !cry
	better watchout
	lpr why
	santa clause <north pole >town

	cat /etc/password > list
	ncheck list
	ncheck list
	cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
	cat list | grep nice >giftlist
	santa clause <north pole >town

	who | grep sleeping
	who | grep awake
	who | grep 'bad|good'
	for (goodness sake) be good
						Anon UNIX hack
@

	Any sufficiently advance bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
						Rich Kulawiec

@

	Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable
	from technology.
						Arlan Andrews

@

	The tough part of a data processing manager's job is that
	users don't really know  what they want, but they know for
	certain  what they don't want.


@

	Muphy's Term Paper Rule:
	The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term
	paper will be missing from the library.

	If it is available, the most important page will be torn out.


@

	Women give us solace, but if it weren't for women,
	we wouldn't need solace.

@

	Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they
	don't like solitary confinement.


@

	Pohl's Law:
	Nothing is so good that somebody somewhere will not hate it.


@

	Cynicism is the intellectual cripple's substitute
	for intelligence.
						Russel Lynes

@

	The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily
	stir a nation to action is oe of mankind's oldest illusions.

@

	The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
						W.C. Fields


@

	A bureaucrat is a person who cuts red tape sideways.
						J. McCabe

@

	I have yet to see any problem, however complicated,
	which when looked at in the right way, did not become 
	still more complicated.
						Poul Anderson

@

	Everyone talks about apathy but no one does anything
	about it.


@

	As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably
	because its so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
						Woody Allen

@

	The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching  should, 
	therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
						E.W. Dijkstra


@

	Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
	1 - If it doesn't run UNIX, forget it.
	2 - Any computer over 5 years old is obsolete.
	3 - Anthing made by IBM is junk.
	4 - The minimum acceptable power for a single user is a
	    VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
	5 - Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
						Rich Kulaiec


@

	Life itself is the proper binge.
						Julia Child

@

	Real Computer Scientist don't comment their code.  The identifiers
	are so long, they can't afford the disk space.

@

	The Daily Double:
	There are never enough hours in a day but there are
	always too many days before Saturday.


@

	Beifield's Principle:
	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
	receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression
	when he is already in the company of:
	(1)   a date;
	(2)   his wife, or;
        (3)   a better looking and richer male friend.

@

	Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations
	(six if one went to Harvard).
						Edgar Fiedler


@

	Sillyness is a state of mind; stupidity is a way of life.
						Dave Butler

@

	The best way I know to win an argument is to start by being
	in the right.


@

	Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
						Walt Kelly


@

	A UNIX sales lady, Lenore
	Enjoys work but she likes the beach more
	She found a good way
	To combine work and play
	She sells C shells by the seashore.

@

	If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
	you tried.


@

	Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no
	programmer writes in BASIC after reaching puberty.

@

	Confidence is the feeling you have just before you
	understand the situation.

@

	Eagleson's Law:
	Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six
	or more months, might as well have been written by
	somebody else.


@

	Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
						Charles McCabe

@

	Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would
	never arise if we held fewer meetings.

@

	For a man to truly understand rejection, he must be ignored
	by a cat.


@

	Democracy is a government where you can say what you
	think even if you don't think.

@

	The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of the
	juror who smokes the worst cigars.
						H.L. Mencken


@

	Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowchart's,
	after all, are the illiterate form of documentation.
	Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good that did them.

@

	I have a simple philosophy"
		Fill what's empty;
		Empty what's full, and;
		Scratch where it itches.
						A.R. Longsworth

@

	Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
	1.  If it should exist, it doesn't.
	2.  If it does exist, it's out of date.
	3.  Only documentation for useless programs trandscends
	    the first two laws.

@

	Money doesn't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.


@

	If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
	you've made happy.


@

	Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
						Frank Moore Colby

@

	The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in
	Wonderland, but that's because it's the best book on
	anything for the layman.

@

	The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market
	is to start with a large one.


@

	As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise
	that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought.
	I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large
	part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding
	mistakes in my own programs.
						Maurice Wilkes, 1949

@

	Harris' Lament:
	All the good ones are taken.

@

	Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that,
	with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby in a month.
						Wernher von Braun

@

	In a double blind experiment the chief researcher believes
	he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  It's
	often accompanied by a belief in the tooth fairy.

@

	A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff
	nature replaces it with.
						Tenessee Williams

@

	Don't get suckered in by the comments; they can
	be terribly misleading.  Debug only code.
						Dave Storer

@

	Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was
	hard to write; it should be hard to understand.

@

	There are three sides to every story, yours, mine, and
	all that lie between.

@

	Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that
	a tweed coat is good for dandruff.
						Peter de Vries

@

	A  court is a place where they dispense with justice.
						Arthur Train

@

	I had a monumental idea this morning but I didn't like it.
						Samuel Goldwyn

@

	Don't order a drink for the road, because the road
	is already layed out.
						Flip Wilson

@

	The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
	electrical cord.

@

	Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extent of
	anybody's ego.


@

	For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	1 - Be content with what you've got.
	2 - Make sure you've got plenty.


@

	When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the
	guys with erasers.
						Wall Street Journal


@

	After all is said and done, sit down.
						Bill Copeland

@

	If Columbus had an advisory committee, he would probably
	still be at the dock.
						Justice Arthur Goldberg

@

	Every program has at least one bug and can be 
	shortened by at least one instruction, from which
	by induction, one can deduce that every program
	can be reduced to one instruction that doesn't work.


@

	There are three principle ways to lose money: wine, women and
	engineers.  While the first two are more pleasant, the third is
	by far the most certain.
						Baron Rothschild ~1800


@

	At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man
	hits his thumb with a hammer.
						Marshall Lumsden


@

	Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches.  If the
	vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.
	Vending machines don't sell quiche.

@

	The Abram's Priniciple:
	The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.

@

	A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
						George Wald

@

	There are many intelligent species in the universe.
	They all own cats.


@

	Fertility is hereditary; if your parents didn't have children,
	neither will you.


@

	When the weight of the paperwork exceeds the weight of the
	plane, the plane will fly.
						Donald Douglas


@

	APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs
	in APL, but I can't read them.
						Roy Keir

@

	Mollison's Bureaucratic Hypothesis:
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be
	implemented, it wasn't worth doing.

@

	The female of the species is more deadly than the male.
						Rudyard Kipling

@

	Violence is the last resort of the incompetent.
						Isaac Asimov


@

	If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then
	programming must be the process of putting them in.


@

	A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women
	and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.
						Helen Rowland

@

	There are no mechanical engineers in the hottest part of hell,
	because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature
	difference and the engineer would immediately build a heat
	engine to extract power from the temperature difference and use
	the power to run a heat pump that made his part of hell cool.

	
@

	I don't believe in astrology.  But then, I'mm an
	Aquarius and Aquarians don't believe in astrology.
						Jmaes Quirk

@

	Finnigan's Observation:
	Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any
	idea which cannot be justified on any other grounds.

@

	Put three grains of sand in the largest cathedral, and the
	cathedral will be more closely packed with sand than
	space is with stars.

@


	Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
	If you are given an open book exam, you will forget your book.

	Corollary I:
	If you are given a take home exam, you'll forget where you live.

@

	Second Law of Procrastination:
	Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
	there is nothing important to do.

@
	Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name
	Thy programs run, thy syscalls done
	In kernal as it is in user.

@

	There are only two things a child will share -- communicable
	diseases and his mother's age.
						Benjamin Spock

@

	In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments,
	only consequences.
						Robert Ingersoll

@

	Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs,
	they'd be algorithms.

@

	A student who is changing the course of history
	is probably taking an exam.

@

	Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's
	time to get up.


@

	Computer actors will never be great; they only get bit parts.

@

	If God had intended man to have computers, He would have
	given him 16 fingers.


@

	There are three schools of magic:
	1 - State a tautology, then ring the changes on its
	    corollaries -- that's philosophy.
	2 - Record many facts.  Try to find a pattern.  Then make
	    wrong guesses at the next fact -- that's science..
	3 - Be aware that you live in a malevolent universe controlled
	    by Murphy's Law -- that's engineering.


@

	Biology is the only science where multiplication means
	the same thing as division.


@

	Very few profoundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.


@

	Meskimen's Law:
	There's never time to do it right, but there's always time
	to do it overr.

@

	There are two ways of constructing a software design:
	1 - make it so simple that there are no obvious deficiencies;
	2 - make it so complicated that the deficiencies are not obvious.


@

	Ray's Rule of Precision:
	Measure with a micrometer, mark with a chalk and cut with an axe.

@

	Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
						Roy Ash

@

	The human mind normally operates at ten percent of its
	capacity.  The rest is overhead for the operating system.

@

	A successful tool is one that was used to do something
	undreamed of by its author.
						S.C. Johnson

@

	Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
						Euripides

@

	Honesty is the best policy, although sometimes keeping
	your mouth shut is even better.


@

	Fairy tale:
	A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.


	Putt's Law:
	Technology is dominated by two types of people:
	1 - Those who understand what they do not manage, and;
	2 - Those who manage what they do not understand.

@

	There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
	through a suitable application of high explosives.


@

	Utility is when you have one telephone; luxury is when you
	have two; opulance is when you have three, and paradise is
	when you have none.
						Doug Larson


@

	An optimist is a guy who has never had much experience.
						Don Marquis

@

	Nine megs for the secretaries fair,
	Seven megs for the hackers scarce,
	Five megs for the grads in smokey lairs,
	Three megs for system source.

	One disk contains them all,
	One disk to bind them.
	One disk to hold them all,
	And in a defrag grind them.
					Apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien

@

	The hand that rocks the cradle is usually attached to someone
	who isn't getting enough sleep.

@

	Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
						Jack Parr

@

	Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it
	is programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.


@

	Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes 
	instead of old ones.


@

	Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.
						Henry Ford


@

	The first time, it's a kludge,
	The second time, it's a trick.
	Later, it's a well established technique.
						Mike Broido

@

	Matter cannot be created nor destroyed, nor can it be
	returned without a receipt.

@

	I am not an economist.   I am an honest man.
						Paul McCracken

@

	Anyone who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a
	police car is probably parked.


@

	How many mathenaticians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the
	problem to a previous joke.

@

	Often statistics are used as a drunk man uses lamp posts -
	for support rather than illumination.

@

	If you don't have a nasty obituary, you probably didn't matter.
						Freeman Dyson

@

	A spouse is someone who will stand by you through all of the
	troubles you wouldn't have had if you had stayed single.

@

	Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
						S.C. Johnson


@

	Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.
						Jonathan Kozol

@

	At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer
	you will find at least two errors, including the error of
	blaming it on the computer.


@

	Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
	correct, not tried it.
						Donald Knuth

@

	I do not fear computers; I  fear the lack of them.
						Isaac Asimov

@

	Prudhommes's Law of Window Cleaning:
	It's on the other side.

@

	Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as
	satisfying as an income tax refund.
						F.J. Raymond


@

	A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to
	buy anything was last year.
						Marty Allen

@

	Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American 
	now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formally got in wages.
						H.L. Mencken


@

	Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space,
	which is described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any
	number can play.
						James Blish

@

	The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume
	knob also turns to the left.

@

	Speer's First Law of Prufreeding:
	The visibility of an eror is inversely proportional too the
	number of times you have looked at it.


@

	If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we 
	have solved it.
						Arthur Kasspe

@

	A computer, to print out a fact,
	Will multiply, divide and subtract
	But this output can be
	No more than debris
	If the input was short of exact.
						Gigo

@

	Experience is a comb life gives you after you have
	lost your hair.
						Judith Stern

@

	A word processor is to words as a food processor is
	to food.


@

	If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind,
	give it more thought.
						Dennis Roch

@

	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
	Because it was on the other side.

@

	The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no 
	more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier
	than a sober one.
						G.B. Shaw

@

	How long a minute is depends on which side of the
	bathroom door you're on.


@

	Speak softly and own a big mean Doberman.
						Dave Millman


@

	Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full
	of tapes.
						Dr. Warren Jackson

@

	Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item,
	the reaction that will occur is the one that will liberate
	the greatest amount of hot air.
						Thomas Martin

@

	Trouble is only an opportunity in work clothes.
						Henry J. Kaiser


@

	Garbage in -- gospel out.
						Anon

@

	Speak roughly to your little VAX
	And boot it when it crashes;
	It knows that one cannot relax
	Because the paging thrashes.


@

	A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least to
	the end of the blackboard.


@

	To the systems programmer, users and applications serve
	only to provide a test load.


@

	Mathematicians are like Frenchmen; whatever you say to them
	they translate into their own language, and forthwith it is
	something entirely different.
						Goethe

@

	If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
	to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

@

	Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life
	as black nightgowns have to do with keeping warm.


@

	It is easier to change the specifications to fit the program
	than vice versa.

@

	For every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.


@
	A pun is the lowest form of humour -- when you didn't
	think of it first.
						Oscar Levant

@
	Machine Independent means it does not run on any existing machine.
						Stan Kelly-Bootle

@

	It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare an
	impromptu speech.
						Mark Twain

@

	Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity,
	and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
						Joseph Heller
						(Catch 22)

@

	To escape criticism -- do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
						Elbert Hubbard


@

	First Commandment For Technicians:
	Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor,
	lest it cause thee to bounce on the buttocks in a most
	un-technical like manner.


@

	The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't 
	know where to go to erase it.


@

	Finnangle's Fact:
	A light year has 30 per cent less calories than a regular year.

@

	Thing wrongly if you please, but in all cases, think for yourself.
						Gotthold Lessing


@
	Oh, give me a clone of my own flesh and bone
	With the Y chromosone changed to X.
	And when she is grown, my very own clone
	Will be of the opposite sex.

	Clone, clone of my own,
	With the Y chromosone changed to X
	And when were alone, since her mind is my own
	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.

						Randall Garrett 

@

	If you're not part of the solution, you're part of
	the precipitate.

@

	I would rather have a free bottle in front of me
	than a pre-frontal labotomy.
						Frank Zappa

@

	To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult
	to criticize the competent.


@

	There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them
	won't aggravate.


@

	Of all of the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
						Plato

@

	Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing
	what is right.
						Isaac Asimov

@

	Husbands are like fires; they go out when unattended.


						Zsa Zsa Gabor

@

	The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second
	myth of management is that success equals skill.
						Robert Heller


@

	There is nothing women hate so much as to see men selfishly
	enjoying themselves without the solace of feminine society.
						Katherine Kinkson


@

	Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
						Niels Bohr

@

	Fresco's Discovery:
	If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored.


@

	If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.
						Samuel Goldwyn

@

	In my egotistical opinion, most people's C programs should
	be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt.
						Blair P. Houghton

@

	There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which
	should not be done at all.
						Peter F. Drucker

@

	When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.


@

	The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but
	only to hold a man's foot long enough to put the other
	slightly higher.


@

	What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing more than
	men's transparency.


@

	You can spool all of the print jobs some of the time and
	you can spool some of the print jobs all of the time but
	you can't spool all of the print jobs all of the time.

@


	Actions lie louder than words.
						Carolyn Wells.

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	Petroski's Pronouncement:
	The truly fail proof design is chimerical.

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	Probable-Possible, my black hen,
	She lays eggs in the Relative When.
	She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
	Because she's unable to postulate how.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)

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	"Pussy cat, pussy cat, what do you see
	That enlarges your tail to this noble degree?"
	"I see a small four-dimensional man
	Who has recently landed from Aldeberan."

	"Pussy cat, pussy cat, what do you hear
	To cause that irrational twitch in your ear?"
	"I hear the lullaby mother cats croon
	To their play-weary kittens on Jupiter's moon."
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)

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	Little Bo Peep
	Has lost her sheep,
	The radar has failed to find them.
	They'll all face to face
	Meet in Parallel Space
	Preceding their leaders behind them.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)

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	A follower of Goddard and a rising Astrogator
	Were agreed that superthermics was a spatial hot pertater.
	They reached a Super-Nova on a bicycle named Beta
	And I'd tell you more about it but they fused with all their data.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)

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	Little Miss Muffet
	Sits on her tuffet
	In a nonchalant sort of a way.
	With her force-field around her
	The spider, the bounder
	Is not in the picture today.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)

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	Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
	At three o'clock he had his great fall.
	The King turned the Time Machine back to two;
	Now Humpty's unscrambled and good as new.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)

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	Flippity, Floppity, Flip!
	The mouse on the Mobius Strip.
	The Strip revolved --
	And the mouse dissolved
	In a chronodimensional skip.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)


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	This little pig built a space-ship;
	This little pig paid the bill;
	This little pig made isotopes;
	This little pig ate a pill;
	And this little pig did nothing at all,
	But he's just a little pig still.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)


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	Little Jack Horner sits in a corner
	Extracting cube roots to infinity --
	An assignment for boys
	That will minimize noise
	And produce a more restful vicinity.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)
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	Hey Diddle Diddle Distribute the Middle
	The Premise controls the Conclusion
	The Disjunctive affirms
	That the Diet of Worms
	Is a Borbetomagic confusion.
						Frederick Winsor
					(A Space Child's Mother Goose)

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	Hummel's First Law of Conservation of Difficulty:
	The difficulty of using a program is proportional to its 
	usefulness, inversely proportional to the speed, size, 
	and ease of learning and is constant.

	Corollary 1:  Any application that is fast enough to be usable
	will be too difficult for the average person to learn.

	Corollary 2:  Any application that is small enough to run comfortably
	on the average system will lack essential features.

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	Hummel's Second Law of Conservation of Difficulty:
	When multitasking applications on a personal computer, difficulty
	is conserved and is constant.

	Corollary 1:  A machine capable of running a multitasking OS will
	run a single application fast enough that multitasking becomes
	unnecessary.

	Corollary 2:  Multitasking will not make exchanging diskettes of
	different sizes any easier.

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	Hummel's Third Law of Conservation of Difficulty:
	Creativity is inversely proportional to the available memory
	size of a computer.

	Corollary 1:  Fast, fat computers breed slow lazy programmers.

	Corollary 2:  Slow, lazy programmers write large,  slow, difficult
	to learn programs that need faster smarter oporating systems to
	be useful.

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	Ferengi Rules of Aquisition:
	1:  Once you have their money, never give it back.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	3:  Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.


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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	6:  Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.

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	Ferengi Rules of Aquisition:
	7:  Keep your ears open.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	9:  Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	16:  A deal is a deal.


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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	21:  Never place friendship above profit.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	22:  A wise man can hear profit in the wind.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	31:  Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	33:  It never hurts to suck up to the boss.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	47:  Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	48:  The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	59:  Free advice is seldom cheap.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	62:  The riskier the road, the greater the profit.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	79:  Once in a while declare peace; it confuses the hell
	     out of your enemies.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	109:  Dignity and an empty sack is worth a sack.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	112:  Never have sex with the boss's daughter.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	139:  Wives serve; brother inherit.

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	Ferengi Rules of Acquisition:
	214:  Never begin a business trasaction on an empty stomach.

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	Eighty percent of success is  showing up.
						Woody Allen

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	Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
						King Vidor

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	More men are killed by overwork than the importance of
	the work justifies.
						Rudyard Kipling


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	Without some dissimulation, no form of business can be
	carried on.
						Earl of Chesterfield


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