The 'Doze 95 Drinking Game

(Adapted from the Windows 95 HATEPAGE)
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How to Watch a Windows 95 Infomercial
and Have a Good Time

Drink once:

   * Every time cute ethnic child is shown being more productive through
     the use of 'Doze 95.
   * A ``new'' feature of 'Doze 95 is shown that has been implemented in
     the Mac OS, OS/2, or third party extensions for years.
   * Someone makes a reference to Bill Gate's money or success.
   * The word ``virtual'' is used.
   * Microsoft's new computer network is refered to as ``MSN''.
   * When ``Joe/Jane Q. Computer User's'' computing concerns are ``solved
     by 'Doze 95''.
   * A 1-800 number is displayed.
   * Whenever ``Plug and Play'' is used.
   * A reference to how ``easy it is'' is made.
   * An old person is shown using the computer.
   * The computer speaks directly to the camera.
   * A spokesman from the computer industry praises 'Doze 95.
   * The word ``upgrade'' is used.

Drink twice:

   * When a crappy feature/bug of 'Doze 3.1 has been fixed by 'Doze 95.
   * Some politically correct/assinine icon/metaphore is used for a
     standard function (i.e. ``recycle bin'')
   * Someone ``doesn't understand'' a feature, and needs it explained in
     detail.
   * Plug and Play is refered to as ``PnP''.
   * Any time Anthony Edwards (the host) says the words, ``World Wide
     Web''.
   * Large, bloated, yet obsolete mega-corporations, toady up to Bill in
     the hope that some of his sucess will rub off.
   * Anyone makes a medical joke to Anthony Edwards.
   * Any time the phrase ``Now is the time...'' is used.
   * A person is shown meeting some ``Sandra Bullockesque'' love interest
     through MSN.
   * A feature of MSN duplicates an existing internet service.
   * The 'net is refered to as the ``Information Superhighway''.
   * You are invited to publish your own Web page.
   * You are reminded that 'Doze 95 will allow you to attempt any of the
     following trivial tasks: balancing home checkbook/budget, college term
     paper, manage your stock portfolio, order flowers or a pizza, play
     games, E-mail your grandmother, make plane reservations, ``chat''
     online, medical imaging, research dinosaurs, download porn, play
     ``global thermonuclear war,'' or open the pod bay doors.

Drink three times:

   * Bill makes reference to his wealth and/or sucess.
   * A crappy feature/bug from 'Doze 3.1 continues on into 'Doze 95.
   * Any reference to ``screw-up''.
   * A reference to ``You've been waiting a long time, but now here it
     is...''
   * 'Doze 95 crashes the demonstration computer.
   * A competitor's product is shown.
   * They tell you that this is ``the last operating system you'll ever
     need.''
   * Bill breaks down, turns to the camera and say ``Easy is not better!''

Drain it!

   * A ``new'' feature intoduced in 'Doze 95 is totally original, never
     before implemented in Mac OS, OS/2, or third party extensions.
   * An animated version of Anthony Edwards or Bill Gates appears.
   * Anthony Edwards remarks offhandedly, ``You ever notice how much
     Windows looks like the Macintosh operating system?''
     Drain another if Bill answers, ``Nah, we swiped it from Xerox.''
   * An explaination to why 'Doze 95 was released a scant few months before
     '96.
   * Canter & Seigal spam MSN with ads for their latest book before the end
     of the program.
   * Bill apologizes for his monopolistic business strategy, crappy
     software, and cult of personality, and hands rights over to Linus
     Torvalds.
   * Charlie Chaplin ``spokesman'' from the IBM campaign shows up.

Puke when:

   * Bill admits he plans to change it all in a few years to copy Novell.
     He just wanted to ease us into it.
   * It's admitted that they still base everything on out-of-date I/O
     processing.

Blatant legal disclaimer: This article is intended as a joke, and in no way
does it or its author condone or promote excessive drinking.

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