              100+ excuses why I haven't answered my E-mail:

   1) My dog ate my motherboard.
   2) My cat got kitty-liter in my floppy drives.
   3) My modem is on vacation.
   4) My offline mail reader got a flat and I had to read my
       messages online (shudder...).
   5) My hard drive went into a spin dry cycle.
   6) My CPU's ROM got RAMmed by some stray cosmic rays.
   7) The vendor put out a general recall for all machines
       produced prior to 1906.
   8) My computer ran away with a sales rep from GENIE.
   9) Someone set my laser printer on "stun".
  10) I poured milk on my serial ports and all my bits got soggy.
  11) My backups weren't done because the FAT table wouldn't sing.
  12) I ran out of food for the hamsters in my power supply.
  13) My UPS went OOPS!
  14) The chocolate chips in my memory card all melted.
  15) I plugged my modem into my printer port and now it is diagonally
       parked in a parallel universe!
  16) My modem got depressed, not the blues really...just a purple Hayes.
  17) I left a copy of "Iron Man" on my system and my modem left home
       to study the manly UARTs.
  18) I was arrested for stealing taglines
  19) I was booked for plagiarizing taglines
  20) My printer mysteriously changed to Chinese typefonts
  21) My wife cleaned my keyboard in the dishwasher
  22) My kids used all my diskettes as frisbees
  23) The kids in the neighborhood think diskettes are a new form of
       baseball card and started trading them.
  24) Cliff Stole asked me to help him track some hackers in
       East Somalia.
  25) My computer is laid up with a slipped disk
  26) A lightening bolt partitioned my hard drive
  27) My computer came down with a virus and the Doctor told
       me to take two memory chips and pay him in the morning
  28) I put in a Sound Blaster card backwards and blew a hole in
       my motherboard.
  29) My operating system, Ms. Dos, got pregnant.  Seems she went to
       see Dr. Dos who informed her UNIX wasn't a eunuch.
  30) My BIOS went ADIOS!
  31) My hard disk went floppy (sounds like a personal problem...)
  32) My C.P.U. said C.U.L8ER.
  33) I can't figure out how to use Windows since my cat ate my mouse.
  34) My V.32bis modem broke and my communication program is rejecting
       my 300 baud modem as "too slow".
  35) I'm still studying the DSZ docs for the big test next week
  36) I'm waiting to replace the broken glass in my Windows
  37) My machine got flooded by a .WAV file
  38) I forgot how to program the PFkeys on my keyboard
  39) My belfry got overloaded with .BAT files
  40) My favorite BBS turned me in as a notorious hacker
  41) Haven't had the time since I became a consultant
  42) I loss teh diktionari for my spel chequre
  43) My modem starting giving ME the -bis!
  44) I discovered a fungus had replaced my CMOS!
  45a) I accidently zipped up PKUNZIP
  45b) I couldn't unzip PKUNZIP.ZIP
  46) My modem is complaining of carpal tunnel from all the handshaking
  47) I'm too busy studying for the elections
  48) I can't talk anymore since I lost my .VOC files.
  49) My Twit filter twitted me!
  50) My Zmodem decided to catch some Z's.
  51) My computer's attachment cards asked for a divorce!
  52) My memory filed for BANKruptcy.
  53) My brain ran out of expansion slots
  54) My memory overextended itself
  55) My Stackered drive just doesn't have the zip it used to
  56) I'm waiting for replacements for my Broken Windows
  57) I got a Tagline Parity Error at segment C000:0000
  58) I'm too busy trying to catch the Ether Bunny
  59) Too depressed about the political situation to reply to the
       candidates
  60) I lapsed into a state of virtual confusion
  61) Still waiting for voting-by-modem.
  62) I have no time since joining a Karaoke tagline band
  63) I had tried to contain myself, but I escaped
  64) Lawyers representing the Meek contacted me about my inheritance.
  65a) My wife found out I'd been faking uploads all this time
  65b) My users found out I'd been faking uploads all this time
  65c) My sysop found out I'd been faking uploads all this time
  66) I just can't seem to respond to mail during daylight hours
  67) Bonny Anthony decided I was no friend of RIME
  68) I was beamed back to my home planet for an urgent meeting
  69) I got beat by Quayle at a spelling bee
  70) E-mailing is like work; talk about the QWK and dead!
  71) I gave it all up to become a happy face
  72) I got caught using Elvis stamps on my E-mail
  73) They dropped my favorite conferences due to a lack of interest
  74) I got caught in an infinite loop trying to think of something
  75) I was arrested for trying to take a Byte out of RIME
  76) My ROBO message generator ran out of random numbers
  77) I'm too busy attending electronic town meetings
  78) I'm trying to lose wait
  79) I was arbitrarily and capriciously locked out by the sysop!
  80) I'm too busy with my BBS addicts support group
  81) My tagline file was confiscated by the Secret Service
  82) Rush Limbaugh convinced me E-mail was a liberal fax-and-spend plot
  83) POSTLINK postdated all my mail so nobody would see it
  84) I'm still waiting for the double thermal-pane version of Windows
  85) No one finds my mine fields humorous
  86) The Mental Hospital had me out on loan.
  87) I've been looking for a parking space at "the Dome".
  88) I've been too busy tearing Wallace stickers off the bumpers
        of cars and voting for George McGovern for President.
  89) I've been busy looking for my picture on milk cartons.
  90) I've been rewinding my system clock.
  91) Someone did a QWK shuffle on my E-Mail punch card deck.
  92) I dropped my old Hayes modem on my foot...talk about "mega-hurts".
  93) I got behind in my E-Mail and found RIME waits for no man.
  94) My modem has these "hang-ups" about my seeing other modems at
        work.
  95) I was arrested for stripping high order bits in public.
  96) I've been retrofitting my car with a smaller steering wheel
        for my mouse driver.
  97) Do you know how hard it is to find electronic thumbtacks to post
        E-Mail on an electronic bulletin board?
  98) Do you know how easy it is to get shocked licking electronic
        stamps for electronic mail?
  99) I smashed my modem with an AUTOEXEC.BAT!
 100) I'm broke this week and just can't IO without silver.
 101) Isn't it National E-Mail Apathy month?
 102) I've been busy in the chemistry department trying to make
         Ethyl Palpitate.
 103) I've been trying to decide "Where is Joe Merchant?".
           (Hint: check the bookshelves under Buffett, Jimmy)
 104) I lost the special tinted glasses that came with my RoseReader.
 105) CAM-MAIL gave me the shaft
 106) I discovered QModem is not part of the Continuum
 107) My wife accused me of having Dual Standards

11/21/92

Bruce Skillin
Mark Prichard

(with some help from the citizens of Conference #3;
 ShareWare South. 404-370-0736 )
