I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I come from a stupid family.  During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father..  "I'm very sorry.  We did everything we could..but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me.  She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1:None of your damn business! A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Some dog I got too.  We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!
I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and an administrator to make sure that nobody tries to change the bulb at the same time.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy..  for birth control.
I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more proof!
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them.
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.  He was in the electric chair.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
Once when I was lost..  I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.  I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't know kid..  there are so many places they can hide."
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Billions and billions.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor..  so they sent a priest up to talk to me.  He said.."On your mark..."
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Last year on Halloween..  one kid tried to rip my face off!
Now it's different on Halloween..  when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
When my old man wanted sex..  my mother would show him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too.  One day I fell asleep in a library.  I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next tuesday.
One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle my bag.  He felt up my wife!
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I met the surgeon general.  He offered me a cigarette!
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.  He told me I would fly from New York to London.  Then from Tokyo back to New York.I asked him..  "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days."
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii.  No days..  just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
At christmas time I sat on santa's lap.  His fly was open.  Boy..what a present he gave me!
How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
My sex life is terrible.  My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.
Actually she did put the mirror over our bed.  She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.
How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage.  She said.."Why should I..  you never put out for me."
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said.."No..  one drag is enough."
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
I got myself good this morning too.  I did my push ups in the nude..but I didn't see the mouse trap.
A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home." I went over.  Nobody was home!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to message parlor.  It was self service.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
If it weren't for pick-pockets i'd have no sex life at all.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.  I said.."Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said..  "No..  I hate myself now."
She was no bargain either.  She showed up with pigtails under her arms.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.
She was so fat that She got on the scale and a card came out saying..  "One at a time."
She was so fat that Her bath tub has stretch marks.
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
She was so fat that Her belly button makes an echo.
She was so fat that She has her own postal code.
How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb? None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. - or - None of your damn business!
She was so fat that She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS" bra.
She was so fat that She has a dress with a sign on the back saying..  "Caution wide load."
She was so fat that Her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
She was so fat that When guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb? None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
She was so fat that One day I ran into her with my car.  She asked me why I didn't ride around her.  I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.
She was so fat that Her bikini is made out of two bed bed sheets.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
She was so fat that When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip.
She was so fat that Her mother ripped when she had her.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
She was so fat that She uses a septic tank for a toilet.
She was so ugly that She was known as a two bagger.  That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
How many Lech Walesas does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
She was so ugly that I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
She was so ugly that They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
She was so ugly that I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
She was so ugly that She looks like she came second in a hatchet fight!
She was so ugly that The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
She was so ugly that She has a face like a saint.  A saint bernard!
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks.  The bartender asked me..  "What'll you have?" I said.."surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
How many med students does it take to change a light bulb? Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? Three, but they're really one.
One day..as I came home early from work..I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are you doing that for?" He said..  "Because you came home early."
I went to look for a used car.  I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her.."The best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.
Its been a rough day.  I got up this morning..put on a shirt and a button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That's not funny!
I had a problem.  I tried group sex.  Now I have a new problem...I don't know who to thank!
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
I went to see my doctor..  you know him..  Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I told him once..  "Doctor..  every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said.."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.  He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
I told him I think my wife has VD.  He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to wear a brown necktie.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he holds up his arms.
Why every time he smokes..he blows onion rings.
How many <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him..  "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said.."Alright..you're ugly too."
I was so ugly..my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
How many strong <ethnics> does it take to screw in a light bulb? 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face...turned me over and said..  "Look...twins!"
How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It turned itself in.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. There never *was* any light bulb.
How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? One-third less than for a regular bulb.
How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? Who says it's dark?
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb? 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? Many hands make light work.
And we were poor too.  Why if I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with!